Funnies from the Schoolhouse

The lessons taught in school are not limited to reading, writing, and arithmetic.  Read on.

Story #1
Although there are teacher bathrooms (two total) at my school,  it isn’t always feasible to leave a class of 22 little darlings with sharpened pencils unsupervised to walk down the long halls to find one.  Often we teachers run into the closest available restroom at the last possible minute.  The closest bathroom also happens to be used by children.  In one particular bathroom in our school, there is a crack about an inch wide when the stall door is closed and many times we teachers have looked up to see a young eyeball staring back at us through the crack.

One of my co-workers darted into the girl’s restroom the other day, sat down to do her business, and before she could finish, she had two little Kindergarten faces appearing under the stall door watching her.
One kindergartener said to the other, “Is there a big person in there?”
In which the other peeking kindergartner replied, “It’s a grown-up!”
First Kindergartner:  “Oh……….gosh.” 
They just couldn’t believe that grown-ups used the bathroom, or maybe they couldn’t believe they used the kid’s bathroom.  I don’t know which, but the teacher had to give them a small lesson on how rude it is to peek under the stall and watch other people using the restroom.  Then she wiped and left.

Story #2
We have a teacher who is expecting a baby in about 3 weeks.  It is hard not to notice her belly coming down the hall.  At the end of the day, I was walking my children outside to their parents and we passed the pregnant teacher.  My student asked me with astonishment, “Is she pregnant?” 
I replied, “No, she swallowed a watermelon.”
In which my second grader replied, “Wow, It must have been a big one!”

I assumed the student knew I was joking with her, but I soon discovered otherwise when a few days later we encountered this same teacher again.  My student asked her, “Did you swallow a watermelon?”  The teacher answered, “No, I’m going to have a baby.”
The second grader looked puzzled and said, “How did you swallow a baby?”

Story #3
Farts happen.  Yes they do.  Sometimes more often than I care to smell.  They happen the most particularly by a small girl in my class.  This usually causes the classroom to erupt in laughter and disrupts our learning.  I have spoken to her about how it is unladylike, not to mention bad manners to do that in public.  But after she let yet another one rip, she quickly announced, “But I had to get it out, it was hurtin!”

A few days later, this young lady did it again.  No big surprise.  The children are all getting quite used to it by now.   A boy in my class said to her, “Remember, you’re not supposed to fart!” 
She answered him, “Remember, it’s not ladylike to say fart!!” 

I do believe this lesson needs to be re-taught.

Kids say the darndest things.
That would make a great TV show!

Happy Fall

I like spring, but it is too young.
I like summer, but it is too proud.
So I like best of all autumn, because its leaves are a little yellow, its tone mellower, its colours richer, and it is tinged a little with sorrow…
Its golden richness speaks not of the innocence of spring, nor of the power of summer, but of the mellowness and kindly wisdom of approaching age.  It knows the limitations of life and is content.
                                                                                             —-Lin Yutang

I like this quote because as each day passes in the seasons of my life, I am beginning to become much like autumn. 
I like to believe I am gaining wisdom as I age.  I think back to the foolishness of my youth, and the arrogance of my early adulthood.  Those seasons have passed and yet much beauty of life is to come. 

I, like autumn, know my limitations and am content.

Enjoy your season!

“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.”  Psalm 111:10

A Prayer For Your Child

Although I’m child-less, I own a book called The Power of a Praying Parent by Stormie O’Martian. 
My sister gave it to me because I have a special child in my life that I love deeply.
I’ve since bought one for a friend who recently had a baby that she loves deeply.
I want to share a prayer with you from the pages of this book.

I was praying this prayer today for my niece Ashlynn because she had a math quiz.  And as I was praying for her, faces of the students in my own class and former students I have taught began coming to my mind.  I thought of their parents, their praying parents who desire the best for them, and I decided I would email this prayer to them when I found time today at work.
But then my day actually began.  I took the book to work with me, and it never left my purse.  My day was an ordinary, hectic, run 100 kind of day.

But now I am home.  And the sun has gone down.  The TV is off.  The dishwasher is running with the supper dishes in tow, the buttons and brads on the wranglers are clinking in the dryer, and my mind is calm and clear of the day’s tasks.

So now I share this prayer with all of you:
whether you are parents,
or grandparents,
or aunts,
or uncles,
or teachers,
or mentors
(at the risk of breaking copywrite laws and everything)
for the children you love.

Instilling the Desire to Learn:

I pray that (name of child) will have a deep reverence for You and Your ways.  May she (he) hide Your Word in her heart like a treasure, and seek after understanding like silver or gold.  Give her (him) a good mind, a teachable spirit, and an ability to learn.  Instill in her (him) a desire to attain knowledge and skill, and may she (he) have joy in the process.  Above all, I pray that she (he) will be taught by You, for Your Word says that when our children are taught by You they are guaranteed peace.  You have also said, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction” (Proverbs 1:7).  May she (he) never be a fool and turn away from learning, but rather may she (he) turn to You for the knowledge she (he) needs.

I pray she (he) will respect the wisdom of her (his) parents and be willing to be taught by them.  May she (he) also have the desire to be taught by the teachers You bring into her (his) life.  Handpick each one, Lord, and may they be godly people from whom she (he) can easily learn.  Take out of her (his) life any teacher who would be an ungodly influence or create a bad learning experience.  Let her (him) find favor with her (his) teachers and have good communication with them.  Help her (him) to excel in school and do well in any classes she (he) may take.  Make the pathways of learning be smooth and not something with which she (he) must strain and struggle.  Connect everything in her (hisi) brain the way it is supposed to be so that she (he) has clarity of thought, organization, good memory, and strong learning ability. 

I say to her (him) according to Your Word, “Apply your heart to instruction, and your ears to words of knowledge” (Proverbs 23:12).  “May the Lord give you understanding in all things” (2 Timothey 2:7).  Lord, enable her (him) to experience the joy of learning more about You and Your world.

Be Blessed,

A Necklace That Won My Heart

I’m a simple girl.  Really I am.

There are few materialistic things in life that catch my eye.  I don’t have to have the newest, best, or most stylish.  My car is more than 10 years old, my TV is not a flat screen or a plasma or a high definition, And until recently, I had a cell phone with an antennae for crying out loud!!

I can pass on lots of stuff.  Except for Sara Lee pound cake in the freezer section.  I rarely can pass that up, so I avoid that aisle completely.

With the exception of food, not much catches my eye.

But I crossed paths with a necklace a couple of weeks ago that made me swoon.  My heart beat rapidly.  I fell in love with it.  It was clunky, funky, chunky, and gawdy.  But gawdy in a good way.  The price tag on it was a little more than I cared to spend on jewelry.  I prefer the 25 cent machines in the foyer of the Pizza Hut,that is more my speed. 

So I walked away from this necklace.  With much sadness I might add.

I ventured to other booths set up at this fine, family event I was attending.  I looked at purses and shoes and candles and pot holders.

But I kept thinking of that funky necklace.  I wanted it and I wanted it badly.

I checked my pockets and had just enough money to buy the neckace and have some money leftover for a turkey leg, so I caved and bought the necklace.

I put it on immediately and got a couple compliments.

Then I wore it to work the next day.

I got more compliments on that necklace than I’ve received in all my born days on any thread of anything I’ve ever slapped on my body. 

That evening, I came home with a boosted self esteem.  I was relaxing in my Lazy Boy and my neck started bothering me.  I reached up to rub the back of my neck and felt a lot of little bumps.  I recently have been ill with an infection that has reared its ugly head in all manner of ways, so my first thought was “Oh my gosh, now I’m getting a rash, it must be the infection trying to get out of my body!”

But no. 

It later dawned on me after washing my neck and the irritation disappearing, that I was having an allergic reaction to my new necklace!!!  The necklace that I pined for.  The necklace that jumped off the table into my arms.  The necklace that made others wish they were me for just a fraction of a millisecond.  Or maybe not on that last sentence. 

I am heartbroken over it.

So I’m left with a dilemma.  I can wear my new necklace with a turtleneck, which I despise or I can give it away.   gasp!

I’m going to attempt to wear it one more time to see if my problem persists.

I’m hoping for the best.

A Disgusting Story

I’ve discovered my purpose in life is to educate all the other dudes in the world, not counting myself,  about a cowboy’s life.  If you can’t handle a little pus and blood, not puss in boots, but pus in blood, you might want to quit reading now.  But if I can take it, by golly, you can too!

Being a cowboy isn’t just about looking cool in chaps and spurs.  That’s what I used to think too.
But, sometimes they have to work.
And sometimes this work is quite unappealing.

Take this for example.

This is a bull.

And he’s got a problem.

He’s got an abscess on his jaw.  

An abscess that needs to be drained.

And I know just the cowhand to handle such a job.

Not only is this abscess uncomfortable and painful, well it’s ugly.  And just how is this bull supposed to catch a cow with an ugly mug like this?  You just answer me that, why don’t cha?

Jason pens him and pushes him into a squeeze chute which basically squeezes him tight so he can’t kick, fling, fight, maim or kill us.

He gets stabbed with a pocket knife, and doesn’t even wince.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.  It’s only going to get worse from here on out.

The abscess begins to drain.

And drain some more, and more, and more.

The bull can very easily swing his head around and be very unpredictable, possibly smashing Jason’s fingers. This string of pus is also very unpredictable when the bull flings his head. You don’t want to be standing in the wrong place when six inches of gunk begins to sail across the sky. Trust me on this one.

 So Jason gets a nose ring and uses it to pull the bull’s head to the side.  It was my job to keep his head to the side by pulling on this chain with a nose ring on the end, stuck in a bull’s nose. I had to look away as Jason continued to squeeze and stab the abscess. 

I just needed to break away from this story to show a pretty picture for a moment.  I think we all needed a diversion don’t you?

Okay back to the gore.

Jason continued with this madness until most of the filling was drained out, but it was still huge.  He did all he could do for this fellow, then sprayed him down with wound medicine and iodine for healing.

You’re free to go #779.  Please remain calm and continue forward.  Do not, I repeat, do not turn around and charge at us. 

This is not a Texas murder scene.

Another pretty picture.

Hopefully you can erase all those horrific images from your minds. 

Have a good day!

Got Gates?

After being married to a cowboy several seasons of my life, there is one critical rule I have learned. 

It may be the most important lesson ever needed to be learned by green cowhands. (meaning me)

The ranch is divided into pastures by fences and gates.  The fences are very important and serve many purposes.

The fences keep calves away from the mama cows after being weaned so they don’t get back on the tit. 

The fences keep the bulls out of the cows when there shouldn’t be any hanky-panky going on.

The fences keep the neighbor’s bull out of the cows when you don’t want a black calf in amongst your red ones.

The fences keep all the cows out of an over-grazed pasture when it needs resting from the cows eating the grass too short.

And the gates help move all these animals around from pasture to pasture. In and out, in and out.

An open gate, on the other hand, allows for the cattle to meander wherever they choose, in wrong pastures, mingling with the opposite sexes, reeking havoc on a cattle ranch and making a cowboy who has to sort them all out, very grumpy.

The cardinal rule of cowboying (among many others) is

Many times have I heard the complaint from my beloved of how somebody left the bleepity, bleep gate open and made a mess for him to straighten out.
It has been ingrained in my head ALWAYS CLOSE THE GATE.

I went out with Jason for a little job this past weekend.  He needed to gather up about 20 cows and pen them.  This entails getting horseback and pushing cattle (cattle that don’t always want to go the direction you want them to) from one pasture, through a gate, into another pasture, through another gate, into the cow pens. 

My mission if I choose to accept it: 

Jason to me:  I’m going to go gather the cattle over in this pasture.  You need to go up this road to the east.  You’ll come to a green gate.  Go through the gate, make a left hand turn to the north, open the white gate running east and west.  Open it into the trap.

And then he rides off.
Me:  But?…..what?……Jason?   (wondering)  Which direction is north?  Did he say open the green gate or the white one?  Was I supposed to go up an east road or a north one, open an east gate or a west one?  When did he learn to speak Swahilian?  Remember Angel,  Always close the gates, always close the gates, always close the gates. 
I decide I’ll figure it out when I get there.
And so begins my journey.
I travel where the turkeys have trekked.

I meet a wounded comrade.

He is grateful for my assistance.

I reach the green gate and pass through.

And then there are two.  Two gates.  Which one am I supposed to open?  The north one?  The east one?  I scan the horizon for Jason.  He is nowhere to be seen. 

Am I supposed to open this gate? 

Or this gate?
 I can’t remember what he said.  My heart is racing.  My palms are sweaty.  Oh the repercussions I will face if I open the wrong gate and let cattle in the wrong pasture.  I say a silent prayer, toss a coin, draw a straw, open a gate and hope for the best. 

Then I leave the way I came, out the green gate.

Remembering to latch it up securely.

Then Jason arrives with the cattle, pushing them along the fence line.

They make the turn, through the east/west gate opened up to the north or something like that.
  Basically, I did it right!!!  Yea me!!

In they come.

A little further.

Mission accomplished.

  I opened the correct gate into the correct trap, and Jason penned the cattle.  All went just as planned.

Well, except for when the cows took notice of me.

See them staring at me.  I’ve been spotted. 

They’ve noticed me and it has caused alarm to their bovine brains.  So they do what cows do.

They head back out the gate they just came through and run down the fence line in the opposite direction.

And Jason has to, well, uh, he has to do his job all over again and turn them around and bring them back down the fence line and in through the gate.  Again. 

Then Jason spent the rest of his time either opening a gate.

Or closing a gate.

Or opening a gate.

Or closing a gate.

And fixing the green gate I didn’t latch correctly.

But I helped a bug. 

That’s a noteworthy achievement, right?