There comes a time in every cowboy’s life when the question arises as to whether or not a cow is pregnant. But only dudes say pregnant. Real cowboys say bred. For fear of embarrassing my husband, I shall only speak in cowboy lingo for this blog. So try to keep up, okay?
Recently we acquired a cow that was believed to be 8 months bred on August 25th. Cows are pregnant on average 283 days, just like a woman, which meant she should’ve calved (Dude translation: given birth) back in September, October at the latest.
As of December 27th, she still hadn’t calved, nor was she springing heavy (Dude translation: showing any signs). Click here for a visual. So J-Dub questioned if she was even bred at all and thought she was probably open (Dude translation: not pregnant).
Since cows don’t voluntarily lay on a table and put their legs in stirrups or pee on a stick on demand, there’s really only one cost efficient method to determine a cow’s state of pregnancy.
For this method you need a:
1. a cow (for obvious reasons)
2. a plastic sleeve (for obvious reasons to be seen)
3. lubrication (for obvious reasons)
4. one tough cowboy (for obvious reasons)
Here we see Maybelle looking a bit wary. She knows something is up. She has been penned away from the rest of the cattle. And she’s not liking it one bit.
First, she takes a big ol’ crap.
Then she takes a big ol’ pee. If you’ve never seen a cow pee, there isn’t anything dainty about it. It’s a gusher.
Next J-Dub pens her in a chute.
And prepares himself by putting on a plastic sleeve and squirting some lube in his hand.
He enters the chute at the rear of the cow……
Sticks his hand into her #2 hole. His arm rather.
Right into her poop chute. He feels around a bit, concentrating.
He doesn’t have to go too far until he pokes something in the eyeball.
“Yep, there’s a big ol’ calf in there”
And everyone is all smiles.
Everyone except Maybelle.