I don’t like myself like this.
Days like today, when all I want to do is vomit hate, bitterness, rage, and tears all over my keyboard, I must restrain. I must filter.
My stable self says, Read your Bible, Count your Blessings, Breathe Deeply.
My irrational self says, Eat chocolate, Yell at the dog, Screw the world.
I must focus in order to let my stable self prevail.
Tonight I thought it might help if I found my gratitude journal. Oprah. I can’t stand her, but I learned about a gratitude journal when I used to watch her. Each day write down 5 things you are grateful for. I haven’t written in my journal in years, but I knew where to find it.
I rummaged through my closet looking for my gratitude journal and found my prayer box instead.
It contains prayers I wrote down from the year 1998.
I can’t share all of them because some reveal a very pathetic, desperate side of me and are much too personal.
Two years later she was blessed with a daughter, and then two years after that, another. All in His time.
This one is asking for help in learning to say I’m sorry. It’s a work in progress. Pride is an ugly thing.
As I unfolded these papers one by one, I found prayers for marriages that were never restored.
Prayers for people whom I don’t even know or remember, but at the time, I believe they were on my heart for a reason.
Some have been answered.
Some I’ll never know.
Some I’m still praying.
Like this one:
“That God will use me as a witness for Him”
As I look back on these prayers, I experience God’s sovereignty. His faithfulness. His forgiveness and love.
I am encouraged, my burdens are lifted, my heart is lighter. I even added two new ones tonight.
It’s funny. My mom always taught me never to put anything in writing.
Obviously, I didn’t listen.
I never found my gratitude journal in my closet. It doesn’t matter.
1. Thank you for my health.
2. Thank you for my husband and family
3. Thank you for my job.
4. Thank you for my salvation.
5. Thank you for always knowing best.
6. Thank you.
7. Thank you.
8. Thank you.
9. Thank you.
10. Thank you.