There comes a time in a blogger’s life, when she must decide if something is too personal to share. It’s easy to share chicken stories and recipes, possum deaths, and classroom funnies, but not so easy to tell others when you’re falling apart. Not for me anyway. There is an occurrence in my life and something on my heart that I want to write down. I want to be able to reflect back on this season. And I must decide. Do I want everyone who happens upon this blog to know my struggles? But then again, there may even be the wild chance that it might help someone else. Or even there might be someone who can help me. Who knows.
I’m a very private person really, although it may be hard to believe. A lot of the things I write are simply stories and day-to-day happenings that really are just for entertainment purposes and possibly posterity., I keep myself tightly guarded for the most part, but sometimes I find myself wanting to share my emotions. Today is one of those times. This leap leaves me wide open. Open to criticism, open to judgement, open to pity. Today I’m deciding to share something very personal and something that I’ve only shared with my closest loved ones. But I’m sharing it for a few reasons.
1) Prayer: It allows people to pray for me, which is all I’ve got.
2) Humility: It’s very humbling to admit when I’m in the valley. I don’t want to sin by being proud, and it is something I struggle with.
3) Support: By sharing, I hope to hear stories that will comfot and rest my heart.
4) Friends: I know I have enemies, but I like to believe I have friends too. I know that people care about me and I am overwhelmed by the love of friends and even strangers who I only know through this computer screen.
My pregnancy was unplanned and the shock of my life. It also has been a piece of cake so far. At times, I’ve even felt guilty when I see and know of pregnant women who are struggling with sickness, puking their guts up, hooked to IV’s, dehydrated because they can’t keep anything down. I know that God has granted me good health during this time.
I enjoy being pregnant. After I passed through the initial shock and the acceptance stage, I have discovered that being pregnant is an awesome experience. When people ask me how I am feeling, I tell them I feel great, but what I really want to say, but don’t for fear of sounding hokey is, “I feel honored”. And I do. This is truly an honor to be chosen to carry a baby. To know that I am working with God to create a miracle, if for only a short time. To look at the night sky, at the vast expanse of stars, aware that the planet I live on is a tiny mass in a small galaxy in a huge universe. And I, an insignificant, minute speck, have been chosen to carry this one little being, this little combination of me and my dear husband, to nurture it, and sustain it. Sappy, sappy, sappy, I know. But it’s true.
I am beginning to get a little more excited each week. My belly is starting to noticeably grow, and I love to lay on my back and press on my abdomen and feel that hard little ball of cells and organs, and imagine it slowly and miraculously developing into this being with fingers and toes and a little button nose whom I already absolutely adore. I can’t wait to meet him. Or her.
Yesterday, however, I received a call from the doctor’s office and it rattled me to the core. At my last appointment, I had an optional blood test done called an AFPTetra. It screens for certain abnormalities like Spina Bifida, Down’s Syndrome, and Trisomy 18, and tests to see if I’m a carrier of cystic fibrosis. All the screens came back negative, except one. Down’s Syndrome. This does NOT mean our sweet baby has Down’s Syndrome. It is only an indication that it is at an increased risk. I’m sitting at the “advanced maternal age” of 36, and based on that, it appears I have a 1:198 possibility it could have Down Syndrome. Based on the test, however, I have a 1:75 chance. This test has been known to worry and fret a lot of women, all for naught. It’s only an indicator of risk, not a confirmation. The test is notorious for false positives and more often than not, the baby is just fine. But even knowing all that, I experienced my first tearful, worrisome night as a mother. I cried, I fretted, I imagined, I planned, I prayed and prayed and prayed.
Next Thursday I will visit a genetic specialist who will give me a consultation and an ultrasound. The way I understand it, they will look for certain “markers” of Down Syndrome during the ultrasound. It also can not confirm the baby has it, only an amniocentisis can do that.
It’s an extremely scary, uncertain time for us all. My loved ones are praying and reassuring me that everything will be fine, and I desperately want to believe that. My heart, my hope, and my faith is shaken right now. But one thing I know: God is good, all the time. All good things come from Him. I know that this precious baby is fearfully and wonderfully made, knit together, with all his days ordained. I know that God will never give us more than we can bear. I know that this baby may not have been planned by Jason and I, but it was planned by Him, and is loved immensely already, no matter.
We will hold tight to our faith and not allow the devil to cause fear and panic into our hearts.
The scriptures I’ve been focusing on are:
Proverbs 3:5—Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all thine ways, acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths.
Isaiah 41:10—Do not fear for I am with you, do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
2 Timothy 1:7 For you have not been given a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind.
Psalm 121—I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
~Angel
Angel Wheeler 
Angel, You know that I am praying for you. I’ve prayed all day for you and this precious little miracle. My heart is also breaking for you, I know what it’s like to fear for your children, that something might be wrong can drive you over the edge. I’m also trusting in God and His plan that all is well.
He shall cover you with His feathers, and under His wings shall you take refuge; His truth shall be your shield and buckler. You shall not be afraid of the terror by night, nor of the arrow that flies by day, nor of the pestilence that walks in the darkness, nor of the destruction that lays waste at noonday. Psalm 91:4-6
Oh, how great is Your goodness, which You have laid up for those who fear You, which You have prepared for those who trust in You in the presence of the sons of men. Psalm 31:19
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7
Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in the hope by power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13
Therefore i say to you, whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them. Mark 11:24
I love you!
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I love you too.
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Keep the faith. My prayers will be with you and the baby…
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Thank you very much!
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Angel, thank you for sharing this with us. I hope you find comfort knowing anyone and everyone who reads your words will keep you in their heart. I know I will.
The pregnancy was unplanned. As you know, God loves to rearrange our plans. Something about finding out if God is in charge… try to make plans. Am I fumbling or making sense?
I, too, had a high risk pregnancy. I we pregnant at age 36 and 37. I was constantly reminded how ‘old’ I was and the risks involved. Still, I chose not to take any tests. Thankfully, our boys are healthy.
I cannot help but think the child you are carrying is with you for a reason. Only God knows. Something good – something great – is coming from this pregnancy. Only God knows what the greatness will look like – but it will be great.
Love and prayers to you.
Lenore
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Thank you Lenore for sharing you story with me. I regret taking the test. I know everything will be just fine now. We appreciate your prayers!
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Girl, I am praying for you, Jason, and little one. I pray that everything turns out okay. I wish I could say something that could give you peace about the whole situation. Just know you are in my prayers. ❤
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The uncertainty of pregnancy. A wonderful, scary experience. It really doesn’t matter, you know. You will so love that little person.
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Angel, I’ve been praying for you!!! So sorry you’re having to deal with this worry so soon! It won’t be the last you’ll have as a mother, either, but it’s all in God’s plan!! 🙂
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Dear Angle, Jason and great little one. You are in my prayers and I love you and hope you will not worry.
God is in control and he knows best for us. Love and prayer.
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You & Jason have created a miracle and will be given a beautiful, healthy baby. Soooo many times those tests cause worry for no reason. I pray for you to find peace during this time. “If God brings you to it…he’ll bring you through it!” You will never feel more love than you do for your baby…no matter what! I will continue to pray for you, Jason, and the wonderful blessing you have been given.
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Everyone has said what I would say to you and so much better than I so I will just say that I love you and will continue to pray for you to keep your faith strong and for Jason to understand and comfort you when you need it and you him and for the very precious baby you carry. Talk to you soon.
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God tells us to pray without ceasing! I have often thought about that and wondered how one could ever even possibly do that!? But, there have been a few times in my life when I think I have prayed without ceasing. Times when I know for sure that God IS my hope and my salvation! My COMFORT in times of trouble! And, everytime, I knew for certain that He was with me every step of the way!!!!! He has never failed me! And, now, once again, I find my self at His feet, in fervant prayer for you, my most beloved daughter, Jason, my most wonderful son-in-law, and for the little miracle that I have prayed so hard for….. for such a long time! God has answered my prayers! And, He is answering the ones I am praying now! We will have a beautiful and wonderfully healthy baby!!!! (I just almost can’t wait!) Thank you!
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Angel .. we were away (and busy) for a few days and I just checked in and found this beautiful, yet heart-wrenching post! You are such a special young lady in so many ways. I’m sure there are many of us who would love to put our arms around you and let you feel our love and support. I can only hope you can do so even through this computer screen! My grand-daughter who had a our #4 great grandbaby in March, went through the exact same situation, Trisomy 18 and all! We were all terrified for her and the little one, much like your blessed family is right now. She also met with a geneticist and they confirmed pretty much what you have stated as well. We prayed and prayed and then prayed some more! Until like Mama said, we thought we couldn’t pray anymore and we prepared ourselves for what might be. On March 22nd, our beautiful, perfect little Hadley Claire arrived at 5lbs. 11 oz. and our prayers were answered! And then we prayed somemore!! Prayers of thanks and gratefullness. My verses for you, Jason and baby would be: ” For I know the plans I have for you”, declared the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” Jeremiah 29:11 and He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted. Job 5:9. My daily prayers for your family is and has always been the same ..May our Awesome God keep you all in His mighty hands! Amen and amen. love you girl … until next time … Donna H.
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I know we don’t talk much, but know this when I was pregnant this last time with Luke, which was three years ago; he kept wanting to come early and I looked at it this way..God won’t give us nothing we can’t handle. So if your tests look like something you can handle then go with it and know that God is there for you and you have many a friend and contacts that will take care of you and your little one. Your not alone. Just give your baby to God and all will be okay, that is what we had to do and now look at Luke he is three years old 🙂
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Angel, thank you for sharing your stories! We had a short chat about your test result and I truly believe that pregnancy is a blessing and an honor. I feel guilty myself for taking my first two pregnancies for granted. I have no doubt that your little blessing is just fine! They may not give you any comfort no matter how many times you hear it. The only cure for this situation is prayer. We all (including myself) must learn to pray and give it to GOD! We had our discussion about the lovely Advanced Maternal Age….ah whatever! As far as I’m concerned I believe that I’m a better mother at 37 then I was at 28! I wish I could explain to you just how happy and excited I am for you and your husband! When I say everything will be fine…I believe that you have a heart of GOLD and the outcome doesn’t matter your child will be loved no matter what!
In Christian Love
Synetta
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