Not just because I’m mad, but because I’m sad too. Anger and tears. That’s what happens to me. First I get angry, and then I cry and then I get angrier that I’m crying, and then I cry harder, which makes me more angry. Aaarrrggghhhh!
I have such a high tolerance too. I rarely get mad, so I have to sort this out in my mind. Why am I so mad? Or am I really hurt? Yes that’s it, I’m hurt. If my friend were sitting on my bed with me right now she would remind me that anger is a peacock emotion. In other words, anger shows itself while a different emotion is being hidden. One of those hidden emotions is hurt.
I have just been treated so rudely by someone in the educational field, a professional I dare call him, and I’ll use that term loosely. Blatant, out and out, rudeness. Offensive. Treated as if I were nothing. A nobody. My niece’s teacher would not look up from his computer to simply say hello when my niece wanted me to meet him. As I introduced myself, I got a hmmmm hmmmm in response, right along with a “I’ve got a conference at 3:30”. He didn’t stand, he didn’t say hello, he didn’t extend his hand, he didn’t even look me in the eye.
I am an outsider here. I am reminded of it all too often. My self worth and self confidence is at an all time low for whatever reason, and for someone to not acknowledge that I exist, that I am standing in the same room, that I am a human being with a beating heart, well quite honestly, he waylaid me. I have been drop-kicked in the gut.
Am I unworthy to be spoken to. No, that’s ridiculous. I feel so silly to allow someone to make me feel this low. Yet, I do.
This is a feeling I don’t think I have ever experienced before IN MY LIFE. A feeling of complete unworth. And I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Which causes me to question, have I ever treated someone else like this? Even unconsciously? I hope not. I hope I have never made anyone, be it a parent at school, a relative, a clerk at the convenience store, a classmate from high school, or a beggar on the corner feel as if they were nothing, as if they didn’t matter, as if they were unimportant. But the truth is, I have. I’m sure I have. Even though I can’t recall it, they remember it. How could someone forget. It hurts too deeply.
So, what will I do? Will I fire off a scathing email to him like I want, and then visit his principal and tattle on him, like I want?
No I won’t.
Will I tell my husband through my tears what happened and beg him to go beat him up, like I want?
No I won’t.
Will I find out where he lives and throw a roll of toilet paper through his tree branches and then egg his car?
Maybe I will do that.
No, I won’t.
Instead I’ll remind myself of who I actually am. I’ll thank my God that He has made me HIS CHILD, that I am a daughter of THE ALMIGHTY KING, that I am HIGHLY FAVORED, that God DELIGHTS in me, that He SINGS over me, that I am LOVED so very much that God himself would robe himself in flesh, remain sinless, yet die a gruesome death for me. FOR ME. I am WORTH that much to Him. Unworthy to be spoken to by a teacher, maybe I am, but to God I am SOMEBODY. Because of that, I will lift my head, I will wipe my tears, and I will remember that everyone (including that teacher) is worthy of a smile, a kind word, a simple hello. I will strive to be a better person who treats everyone I meet with dignity and respect, regardless of how busy I am, what kind of day I’m having, or whether I had my coffee that morning. What a humbling experience I’ve had today, and what a reminder and a lesson I have learned.
If I have ever made you feel bad about yourself, please forgive me. Please know it was not intentional. Please know I did not intend to hurt you.
Sending you my cyber hug,