What Crazy Must Feel Like

There are three days left in the month of March.  I haven’t blogged all month.  I won’t even pretend to act like I’m not aware of that.  Every day I say to myself, “I need to blog.  I want to blog.  I wish I could blog.”  When I don’t blog, it’s not the same in my world.

I’ve had a super busy month and I’ve had a super case of anxiety of which I can’t explain.

I found myself in the bathtub at 3:00 a.m. the other night, unable to sleep, tormented when I found sleep by my dreams of fighting for my life, awakening to the feeling of the bed floating while I lay under my blue and white comforter, but at the same time I was looking down from outer space onto the sphere of the earth with all the blues and greens, and seeing myself lying on my bed, and my bed being lifted off the world, right off the continent of North America, into the dark abyss of the unknown where I would be hurled and spin out of control with no way of reaching my bedroom again.

And then I was being pumped up, like an exercise ball.  Puff, puff, puff.  With every puff of air I became a little head and two little arms and legs on a huge round body.  Like that blueberry-gum chewing girl in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.  I wrapped my arms around my literal self to convince my mind it wasn’t happening, but couldn’t.  I was going to explode.  I was a humongous bubble.  Any puff might be the one that stretches the limit and causes the explosion.  But instead of the fruit of goodness, kindness, patience, love, joy, peace, and gentleness that should burst forth were I to explode, there would be anger, rage, resentment and jealousy and all the ugly things that fill me.   I imagined all the onlookers, all the ones who know me, standing in my bedroom gawking at the aftermath of my demise.  Staring as the ugly insides of me oozed down the wall and dripped from the ceiling.  They wouldn’t find a drop of goodness, not even a drop of blueberry juice.  Wow, they would think.  How could one person be filled with all that ugliness.

The beginning of crazy, I thought.  This is the beginning of me losing my ever loving mind.  This must be what crazy people feel like.  I saw myself a bag lady, pushing my shopping cart, wearing three coats in summer, with six cats piled on my shoulders and head, mumbling to myselves.  And then I began to worry about who will take care of my baby if I lose my mind, which caused more anxiety.  So I got out of bed and I did some normal things.  I took a bath, then I did a load of laundry, and sat on the couch drinking hot mint tea while the rest of my house slumbered in peaceful darkness oblivious to the lunatic living inside the same four walls.  And I recited the scripture, “For you have not been given a spirit of fear, but one of power, and love, and a sound mind.”  A Sound Mind! A SOUND mind.  A  sound MIND.  I recited it over and over.  I have a sound mind.  The Peace of God filled me, held me, and calmed me.

Then I blamed my craziness on my supper not settling well, too much gas and bloat, and I got a grip.  And finally I went back to bed knowing I don’t ever want to experience that again, but it wasn’t a total waste.  At least I got a load of laundry done.


  1. Lenore Diane says:

    The crazy got your laundry done and inspired a post. Here’s to more crazy! (smile) Without the icky dreams, of course. Nice use of scripture, too. Well done.


  2. Mama says:

    O my sweet baby girl! What a horrible dream! I have never had a dream that bad! My heart was just breaking as I was reading about it! I was almost crying as I read it, but didn’t. You have had a really hectic and busy month, almost no time for you to breath! At first, I thought that the bursting was a symbol of releasing the pressure of the previous month…..telling you it was all over, now . . . . . . but why were you innards be runnning down the walls. I am so sorry you had that dream. I hope and pray (yes, I’ve already prayed about it) that you never ever have a dream like that again! ! ! !

    I love you,


  3. Donna H. says:

    Hey Angel … first off … I’ve missed you! Glad all is o.k., but I’m thinking we must be drinking from the same well!!! I got up this morning and told my hubby “just in case something happens to me today, you gotta know I had the worst nightmare ever!! with the craziest dreams/hallucinations/whatevers in all my sevent (uhh ) many years! I went places I’ve never been, and saw people I haven’s seen in years! amd “woke up” exhausted! His response “did you eat too much cabbage salad yesterday??” WHAT??? His concern is “underwhelming”, don’t you think! Anyway, I’m just grateful for being on this side of the grass today, and for enjoying a wonderful long weekend with all my kids, grandkids and great grandbabies! (and for my daughter’s amazing asian cabbage salad) I love ya, gal … until next time …Donna H.


    1. Angel says:

      Yes, he’s concern is “Underwhelming” as was my husband’s as well!! Sometimes our minds do some crazy things! I’m glad you’re well. I’ve missed you! Love you too!


  4. “mumbling to myselves” – I love it! We’ve all had our crazy-ray moments, that’s for sure. I know I have, anyway. I’ve never experienced dreams like that, but I get anxiety dreams sometimes. Mine are usually about my brakes not working. I never hit anything, but it’s just perpetual anxiety and upset – me not being able to slow down, slamming on the brakes over and over and they just won’t work. I go from one scene to another, like a movie loop of failing brakes. I hate those dreams.


    1. Angel says:

      Dreams like that are the worst. And you wake up, needing to go back to sleep to rest from the dreams!


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