life – Page 3 – Angel Wheeler

His Eyes Are on the Lilacs, And I Know He Cares For Me!

We left the arid, drought drenched plains of the Texas panhandle at the beginning of 2013 and moved to the majestic mountains of New Mexico.

It was nothing short of a complete leap of faith. There was not a job bringing us here. There was very little family here to support us. It was a dream of J-Dub’s to live here and so we shut our eyes and leapt knowing that “the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest”. Amen? Whithersoever. Doesn’t the old KJV just say it good sometimes?

Beauty surrounds us here. Snow capped mountain tops, fields of flowers, tall pines, rolling streams, abundant wild life. That first spring of 2013 arrived and I was awed by the sight of the lilac bushes that surrounded our property. And I do mean surrounded. They are monstrous bushes, standing well over 10 feet tall and lined up in a row, bumping into each other. I was so anticipating the arrival of all these purple bursts of flowers, that I blogged about it here. Yet, I was left disappointed when a late freeze blasted the buds. The next spring, once again, those tiny purple buds appeared and I held my breath only to be disappointed once again when Old Man Winter blew his icy breath on them.

Earlier this year, JDub and I made a very difficult decision that it would be the best fit for our family if we returned home. Yes, to that arid drought drenched Texas Panhandle. We must wait until school is finished, so this will be our last Spring time here. Of course, I started a list of things I would miss about this place. Of course on that list is all the things that make is so beautiful.

Right before Easter, the many lilac bushes once again showed their promise, but I didn’t hold my breath. We drove back to Texas for the Easter break and my last thoughts as we pulled out of the driveway and I gazed upon the massive bushes were, “oh well. If they do bloom, they’ll be spent by the time we return.” No faith. No faith at all on my part. Sometimes prior disappointments squash it, don’t they? We don’t want to be disappointed again. In people. In circumstances. Instead we prepare ourselves for it not to happen instead of looking toward it. Where is our hope? We replace our hope with “realism”.

But lo and behold, when we pulled back in several days later, I was met with an awesome welcoming! Those purple (and one bush of white) lilacs were in bloom and greeting me. They were happy, I could tell it. Every blossom oozed happiness. I was overjoyed! I began laughing and whooping and clapping before I ever got out of the car.

The past several weeks the bushes have bloomed and bloomed. Their aromas have washed over me filling me with memories and pleasure. We have brought some inside and placed them in Mason jars. Now, I’m sad to say they are at the end of their blooming season.

But I’m so glad I got to experience them, this last spring I have to live here.

It’s God you know. Of course it is. He has a way of caring about what we care about, even little things like lilacs, which I dare to argue aren’t little things.

Now that I’m a parent, I kind of, sort of, in my very limited human capacity understand the graciousness of God a teeny tiny bit more. My little girl is the apple of my eye and I long to lavish things upon her. Just for her enjoyment. Just for the sheer reason that it will make her happy. And of course I’m reminded of Matthew 7:11 that tell us,

“If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?”

Isn’t that an awesome thing? All we have to do is ask and then believe. He knows what we need even before we ask. He wants to give to us. He is not one that holds back, in fact he GAVE his one and only son that whosoever believeth in Him shall have everlasting Life. John 3:16

He GAVE the ultimate gift. Our God is a gracious giver. He will give us what we need.

Phillipians 4:19 And my God will supply every need of yours according to His riches in Christ Jesus.

Why do we worry about our needs when we can call upon the God of the World, the Creator of all, the one who tells the lilacs when and where to bloom to help us?

Is there something you are consumed with? Are you worrying about a detail of this life?

Read again Matthew 25-32 and be reassured. “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?

“And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

“So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs.

Friends, I am preaching to myself! Since deciding to move back to our hometown, J-Dub and I have experienced quite a few roadblocks. We have worried. We have fretted. We have doubted. I have wondered if God is going to come through. But I can tell you, when I think about my past and I think about the things He has done, and I read the promises from His word, I can affirmatively answer that Yes, he will come through. He has yet to let me down.

It’s the original work of Satan, to lie to us and to make us doubt God’s word. Recognize it as such. When Adam and Eve were in the garden, wasn’t that the words of the Serpent? He began with “Did God really say………” He planted enough doubt in Eve’s heart that she sinned.

Yet we are told that the promises of God are Yes and Amen. We are told that those who believe in Him will not be made ashamed. Look and see that the Lord is good. He will come through for you. He will come through for me.

So open your arms and receive my friends.

Be blessed!

On This Day a Year Ago……

On this day a year ago, we lost my grandmother on my dad’s side. She was a beautiful lady who just happened to be born on my daughter’s birthday 94 years earlier. She left this world at age 96.

Because we lived a good distance apart, I don’t have a vast amount of memories of her, but the ones I have I hold near and dear. I have blogged about her before here. As a testament to her greatness are her children. I truly have never seen children love their mother so much. I have heard others, and have been guilty myself, of complaining about our moms. I have seen children growing frustrated with their aging parents and speaking harshly at times. But not my grannie’s kids. They loved her, doted on her, spoiled her rotten up until her last days. We can only hope to be as lucky in love.

I remember when I heard about her passing. We had known it was near, but one can never quite prepare themselves for the grief that comes. To be very honest, I was surprised at myself for my emotion that followed, but it was an emotion that I had never felt before. I don’t even know if I have the words to convey it. But it wasn’t just loss. It wasn’t just sadness. It wasn’t an empty feeling. It was a realization instead. A deep realization, that if the world follows natural laws, all the people who came before you will leave before you. Of course logically I know this, but she was my last grandparent remaining. My father had already died, and I realized that now my mother only remains.

I experienced a deep understanding that I am one living person left of being an orphan. I know it sounds ridiculous. An adult orphan. But my last grandparent dying made me realize that my mom is all that’s left of the people who, because of them, I exist.

Maybe no one else knows this feeling or maybe I’m just terrible at explaining it, but it’s what I know.

But anyway, time marches on, there’s nothing we can do about lost time or lost loved ones but to keep on living and remembering them.

The only thing that stays the same is everything changes. We as believers however, have a hope because of our savior that one day we will meet again in our eternal home where there is no sadness and there are no tears. Until then, we carry on.

Rocker Re-Do

I am a porch sitter. I come from a long line of porch sitters. It’s a simple pleasure of mine.

Porch sitting has become a thing of the past. Heck, porches are becoming a thing of the past. I adore an older model home for many reasons, but one of them being they usually come with a great porch. New homes just don’t have porches anymore. People spend their time indoors in front of the boob tube and under the air-conditioning and porches no longer serve the purpose for which they were designed: a place to cool off and visit with neighbors.

Several years back, before I married, I lived in an old, small house with a great porch for sitting. I put up a porch swing and wrapped the chains with garlands of fake daisies. I put out a few flowering pots of geraniums. But I needed a rocker. I had my heart set on a Cracker Barrel rocking chair so my dad bought one for me.

I put it on the porch and sat outside every day watching the traffic flow up and down the busy Somerville street. People would honk and wave and occasionally stop and visit with me. Then I was in my early twenties, much too young to be acting so old wouldn’t you say? But I’ve got an old soul, always have.

One morning I opened my front door and walked over to sit in my favorite Cracker Barrel rocker only to almost end up with my butt on the ground. It was gone! My rocker was gone! Someone had stolen my awesome rocking chair right off my front porch during the night!

I remember the awful feelings I experienced. Shock initially. Then anger of course right off the bat. Man, I was mad. Then I was sad; my chair was gone. Then dumbfounded, in awe that someone would do that. Then came a sense of fear. That someone possessing harmful intent inside of their heart was that close to my house, three steps from the inside where I slept peacefully the night before. Finally, came a terrible feeling of violation.

My dad was just as mad. He said he hopes whoever stole my rocker gets a splinter in their butt!

So he bought me another rocking chair from the Cracker Barrel. I was determined to keep this one from getting stolen, although I didn’t know how save dragging it into the house every night. A friend of mine came over with a small solution. He tied something of a chained cord of some sort (kinda like a bicycle chain) around the leg of it and drilled it into the concrete of the porch. He said it really wasn’t much of a deterrent, if someone wanted to cut the cord, they would, but at least it would keep an honest man honest. The next thieves would have to work a little bit at it if they planned on stealing my rocker.

My dad holding my baby niece Zoie in my rocking chair circa 2002.

It worked, because I still have that second rocker. Unfortunately it has gotten some age on it. It’s not as glossy and freshly varnished as in the above picture. It has sat uncovered for a few years. The wind, rain, and snow has taken their toll on it. My dog Drew Miller used it as the legs and arms as a chew toy when he was a pup. It still serves its purpose but it doesn’t seem to have much pride in itself anymore. I needed to fix that.

Today, I took to working on that old rocker. I didn’t want to completely refinish it, that’s just a little bit too much work for me these days, but I just wanted to give it a new look, make it better than it was. So EK and I found some paint in the paint closet; a nice robin’s egg blue and started slapping it on there. No priming. No sanding. No elbow grease. Just slap, slap, slap.

It was blue I tell you—and bright blue to boot!

Emma Kate working away. You can see how worn it had become by its arm.

After we slapped some paint on, it didn’t look that great. The wood was too worn and weathered to make a sleek look. There was several spots of brown from the wood showing through that just wasn’t soaking up the paint. I decided to just go with it. Make it a bit cowgirl rustic.

I went to JDub’s collection of spray paints and found a couple different browns and began spraying them on just willy nilly. Finally, I grabbed some fine sand paper and just scruffed it up a bit.

I wish I had a good before and after. It certainly isn’t as beautiful as it was when it was new, I certainly didn’t refinish it the right way, but it’s got character and I love it!

Here’s to happy porch sitting!

Fowl, Reptiles, and Worthless Mammals

Instead of Spring Fever, I have contracted a bad case of Chicken Fever (this is not to be mistaken with Bird Flu). It has been brought on by pictures, videos and reports of friends and family getting some new spring chicks.

If you didn’t know, my flock of fowl came to a bitter end a couple months ago after losing the last 2 to a raccoon. It was heartbreaking.

Today I decided “it’s Easter time, it’s springtime, I’m going to the feed store and picking out some baby chicks”. This was completely an impulsive idea since our family is in a state of transition and because we’re not exactly set up for a new brood of babies, but I let the impulsivity settle in and I set about preparing for some new chicks. My husband built me a nice mobile chicken coop a few months back that I could use to easily keep them safe and warm, so I decided to get busy. My first order of business was to walk through some high grass and drag it to another part of the yard.

Now friends, I consider myself a brave person for the most part. That is, as long as I keep both feet on the ground. I really don’t care for deep water, and I’d rather not participate in anything that involves jumping from a cliff so I’ll just politely decline. But you know, the everyday things don’t too much bother me. I’m not afraid of spiders or storms or Friday the 13ths. Despite my courage with these things, there is still one thing that will make me scream out loud and pee down my leg a little and that is a snake in the grass. Or one in the road. Or the pasture or even a cage for that matter. They just give me the eebie jeebies. It goes back to Genesis where God says to the serpent “You will crawl on your belly and strike at their heels and they will pee down their legs” or something close to that.

I’ve had my fair share of snake experiences, more than I care to count. I’ve even had one of those real scary snakes shake their tail at me and I’m telling you what……there is nothing that can make your heart quicken like hearing that sound. Living in the country in Texas taught me how to differentiate between the “safe” bull snakes and the poisonous rattlers but no matter the kind, I still don’t like them.

We have a big backyard here in New Mexico, full of big trees and unkept grasses. It’s a bit wildernessy and wild with sticks and rocks and a creek that butts up to it. It’s a great place for our three dogs to run and live like dogs. “Worthless” dogs as my husband would call them, because you see J-Dub believes animals should have a job or serve a purpose (like a horse, a cow, a pack mule, a chicken) and these dogs are nothing more than pets. Mostly he’s joking. Mostly. But it wouldn’t hurt if they could do a little something to earn their keep around here.

Now in this big backyard, just this spring, I have seen no less than FOUR SNAKES!!! FOUR! Granted, they’re nothing like the big bull snakes that hung out with me in Texas, they’re just little old grass snakes, but they’re snakes just the same. They crawl on their bellies and give me the shivers.

The other day, our little dog Ozzie and our middle-sized dog Grace were bothering a snake in the yard and EK and I wanted to spend the day outside without worrying about a snake, so I got a big shot of bravery and decided I would remove the snake from the yard. It was coiled up good so I got a shovel and scooped that little serpent up. I held that shovel out away from my body as far as I could and I fast walked to the fence to chunk it over. But Grace, the cow dog, was too nosey and jumped up to see what I was carrying and the snake slithered off my shovel and into the tall grass. So much for my bravery. Watching that sucker slither off, made me turn and run in the other direction. I’ve had enough of that good deed.

Today after getting my wild new chicken whim, I attempted to drag the heavy mobile chicken coop to a different part of the yard. I pulled out my back and only managed to get it out of its deep ruts about 1/2 inch when I noticed that Ozzie was interested in something in the grass. He kept sticking his nose in and jumping back a little. Grace ran over, nosey as always, and I called her back just to see what would happen. Ozzie stuck his nose in and out quickly a couple of times before he dove in hard and pulled out a snake and began shaking and biting and I’ll be dadgummed if he didn’t kill that snake right then and there.

His worth just about quadrupled in my book. I think I’ll keep this one around. My little snake killer.

And I’ll keep this one because he’ll defend his turf and take on anything that dares threaten his people. He’s fought porcupines, raccoons, skunks, and even those fearsome possums–you know, the ones that play dead.

And this one? She’s still got a lot of earning her keep to do. But she’ll love you to death and is sewn together out of 100% obedience and loyalty. I guess we’ll keep her too.

Needless to say friends, with the excitement of the morning, I didn’t get a chicken coop moved. Nor did I get any chicks today. I think pulling out my back cured my chicken fever…for a while anyway.

And the Earth Renews

Glory, glory to this early spring day!

Although I woke from a very restless sleep, my body groaning under the weight of its 40 years: hips and hamstrings, neck and knees, the outside world renews me. I’m so glad my 3-year-old wanted to dress and head directly outside, despite my opposition.

The birds are so happy today and why shouldn’t they be? They are announcing the coming of a glorious day.

The earth is wet from either a heavy dew or a light rain and it doesn’t take long for Emma’s shoes to grow wet all the way to her pale pink socks, as she frolics and plays. The sun is warming the world ever so slowly, removing the chill, granting the warmth.

There is an earthy smell of rebirth in the air. The wind carries it on its breath. Nothing can keep quiet. Nothing can be still, for this day is indeed worth shouting about. The whole of nature is trumpeting the coming of spring!

So I sit with the small pleasure of life: coffee, front porches, pen and paper, and wet tennis shoes. I watch the world in all its activity. My little black cat pounces and climbs, pausing on occasion to stare at something unseen to me, and switch her tail in eager anticipation. And then, as if it couldn’t get any better, the icing on the cake—–a “butterfly”, as my daughter calls them dances by. She’s black with yellow rimmed wings. She too heard the call of nature, felt the breezes, heard the birds, smelled the dampness of the earth and yet, knowing her days were short, came out to play.

Apple trees are in bloom, lilac bushes are in bud. I say to them, “careful, careful, not too soon. Have patience”. But surely they know better than I.

My senses take it all in. My soul exhales the dregs of winter. Truly nature is where we find rest yet energy, calmness yet revitalization, serenity yet pulse. A place of reprieve, of lessons, of growth, of birth.

“The day the Lord created hope was probably the same day he created spring.~~Bernard Williams

Glory, Glory to this early spring day!!

Lose This Day Loitering

By: Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

Lose this day loitering—-’twill be the same story

Tomorrow and the next more dilatory;

Each indecision brings its own delays,

And days are lost lamenting o’er lost days.

Are you in earnest? Seize this very minute—

Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.

Only engage, and then the mind grows heated—

Begin it, and then the work will be completed!

This is a poem I read the other day. It spoke to me so much I copied it and taped it to my wall. Every day I read it, and yet…..well you know the rest of the story.

It is so very inspiring, and at the same time it still doesn’t do the job. A cattle prod. That’s what I need….a cattle prod.

How Facebook Made Me Lose Ground

For the past six months I’ve been off of Facebook. It has been with its ups and downs. I’m sometimes out of the loop (not always a bad thing.) I’m sometimes starved for interaction and attention by people who are over the age of three. The longer I’ve gone, the easier it has gotten, but some days I miss it like I miss other things I’ve given up. But missing something doesn’t always mean it was good for you and that you should invite it back in your life. You can just miss it and that’s okay.

Yesterday evening my husband shared a thread with me on Facebook concerning the Superbowl Half time show. The comments were entertaining and I felt a longing. An absence. A true loss for my friends and family that I rarely if ever talk to anymore.

“Maybe I should get back on,” I said. I tossed the idea around a little while and then before you know it, I logged back into my account. “I’ll just lurk,” I said. “No one has to know I’m here.” Because after all, the addiction for me came with the attention I received from comments or status updates. I was always wanting to check and see if I had a notification. Had someone liked something? Had someone commented?

I began my reintroduction to Facebook by reading my news feed; which was uneventful. Then I jumped around to different people’s pages to see what they had going in their life. One thing I saw would make me want to check out something else and I was reading and lurking to my heart’s content. It literally sucked probably two and a half hours of my evening from me. Two and a half hours where I would be doing something else. Something, quite frankly, that mattered.

The dishes didn’t get done. My daughter didn’t get put to bed until way late and was hyped up like no other. I didn’t write in my gratitude journal. (something I’ve been diligent about) nor did I read my devotion.) It seriously wrecked my evening. I was out of sorts. Yet I still told myself that it was harmless and I’d just keep my account activated anyway, and try to control it. I wouldn’t let it get out of hand. I would only be a lurker. For a while anyway.

Leaving the Facebook story, but I’ll be back:

For the past six weeks I’ve been really trying to retrain my thoughts. There has been quite a bit of “stuff” going on in my life. I have been sick since before Christmas and then the day after Christmas, Ashlynn was put in the hospital again, three hours away from home. I was with her, which meant I was away from my family and it was brutal on me.

During this time, I became mad at God but needed something to help me. I was feeling lots of toxic emotions that weren’t serving anyone. I reacquainted myself with Louise Hay, a woman who has helped many with healing and positive philosophy. If you’re not familiar with her, and are interested in what I’m about to say, I would recommend you look up her website or check out her book You Can Heal Your Life. Basically her ideas follow along with the Law of Attraction; simply what you think, say, and believe is what will be manifested in your life. She teaches you how to become very aware of your thoughts and to notice how many times you berate yourself or are pessimistic or critical of yourself. Something I was doing a lot.

A person thinks between 50,000-70,000 thoughts a day and usually they are the same ones over and over, day after day. Instead of criticizing yourself: I’m too fat. I’m lazy. I never finish what I start. That will never happen for me. I never have enough money etc, the idea is to change these negative affirmations to positive affirmations and your life will change, because the Universe will bring you what you say.

So I’ve been doing it y’all. Diligently. I tell myself I love myself everyday. I approve of myself. I am a capable person. I speak positive things when I catch myself being negative or critical of myself or others. My affirmations change daily because what I feel changes daily. So sometimes I may repeat over and over “I deserve to be happy” and another day it may be “doors are opening for me”.

When I began, I truly shocked myself by the amount of negative and critical thoughts that rolled through my mind; about myself and others. I can tell you that I believe it has helped me. It has helped my self-esteem, my attitude, my level of contentment. It has given me a new perspective.

After delving into Louise Hay, I then started exploring related teachers. The next one being Wayne Dyer. His teaching follows along with the same idea of what you put out into the Universe will come back to you, good or bad. I happened to have his book as well. From where it came, I do not know, which to me was just a sign that I am heading in the right direction. The book I currently read of his is called Wisdom of the Ages. It is a compilation of insightful and enlightened teachers from the history of the world and their writings. People like Michelangelo, Francis of Assisi, Buddha and Jesus Christ. It covers topics of the heart: hope, meditation, wisdom, love and what these teachers from the past had to say about them that is still relevant to us today.

Now, before I go further I want to stop here and say for all those that are concerned about my soul and that I am on the road to hell, may I reassure you I’m okay. I am not lost. I know that this post may sound a little “out there” and even my sister has gently encouraged me to not turn into a kook and get too weird. I’m no longer mad at God. The truth is I couldn’t NOT talk to him. I love my Lord Jesus. But my spiritual walk is broadening, I like to believe. I think there may be more out there than what I’ve been brought up to believe. Not that the Bible is a lie. No way. But that perhaps denominations have put their focus on rules rather than love. Scriptures have been taken out of context and too much emphasis has been put on sin and repentance, rather than love and acceptance. I believe the Bible speaks of the law of attraction as well. Ask and it shall be given, knock and the door shall be opened, seek and ye shall find. The power of life and death is in the tongue. You reap what you sow.

Louise Hay compares the process of changing our thoughts to seed planting. That if you were to plant a tomato seed, you wouldn’t expect it to have tomatoes the next day. It takes time and you have to tend it. It’s the same with the thoughts. Even if you don’t believe the thoughts at first, still say them. They are seeds you are planting. You can’t say a thought once, and fill the rest of your day with toxic thoughts and expect positive changes. You expect a seed to produce good fruit, and in the same way, your positive thoughts will produce good results. After planting the tomato seed, when the sprout comes up, you would never go to your garden and stomp on it, you are delighted with what has produced from the seed. So when good things start happening in your life because of your positive affirmations, don’t stomp on them, don’t let doubt in by saying things like “I can’t believe that worked” or “this will never last”. Continue in the manner and be grateful for what you have.

Now I return to my Facebook story: There are studies out there claiming Facebook can make us unhappy. That is causes us to feel worse about ourselves and lowers our level of life satisfaction. Although I’ve read these studies, I don’t know that I even believed them wholly until I experienced it first hand.

Last night, after I had spent hours wasting time reading about other people’s lives, I finally pulled myself out of the recliner and went to get ready for bed. As I was changing into my gown, I looked at my body in the mirror and BAM, there was a negative thought. I noticed it right away because during the last several weeks I have become very aware of the thoughts I have. Following that negative thought of my body image, my mind immediately thought of a picture I had seen on Facebook of someone I barely know doing something I think is remarkable. I immediately felt jealous of this person whom I barely know doing a remarkable thing, a thing I secretly want to do. I am sure I felt jealousy earlier when I saw it initially, but was too busy scrolling to acknowledge my envy, although I did point it out to my husband.

And then…….to top it off after my negative thought of myself, and my jealousy thought of a practical stranger, I began to criticize her and compare her situation in life to my own. My thoughts went something like this. “Well, she’s not stuck at home all day with a 3-year-old. She doesn’t have a job. What does she do all day? If I had the whole day to myself, I could accomplish so much more as well.”

Friends, all of this happened in a very short time. It wasn’t something I dwelled upon. In the amount of time it took to put a gown over my head, these thoughts had bombarded my brain. Taken over. Reigned supreme. I went from self-hate, to envy, to criticizing others, to comparison. None of which was beneficial to me.

“Whoa.” I thought. This is unreal. I really couldn’t believe that my time spent on Facebook after six months of not being on Facebook could derail my progress like it did.

After I realized the impact it had on me, I couldn’t deactivate my account fast enough. I am my own case study. I’m not here to slam Facebook. I know that it serves a good purpose much of the time, but for me, it is like a sip of whiskey to an alcoholic. I just don’t want to go there again. Not that I won’t ever, but I like myself better every day. I love myself more every day. And those around me. I miss my Facebook friends. I even miss the practical strangers. But last night, I experienced something profound. A true learning experience and I would be foolish not to pay attention.

Anticipating Christmas Morning

It’s the dead, dark middle of the night. I lay here wide awake in eager anticipation of the morning. The house is slumbering, the only sounds are the ticking of the clocks and the occasional roar of the heater coming on. Visions of sugar plums, I imagine, are floating. J-Dub just went to bed a little while ago after staying up doing what dads do on Christmas Eve: screwing screws and fumbling through instructions entitled “some assembly required” when what that really means is, “assemble these million parts of nonsense with as few cuss words as possible”. After all, it is Christmas and there’s no cussin’ on Christmas. That’s probably a written rule somewhere.

Christmas present is different to me from Christmas pasts. I now anticipate the morning, not to receive, but to see that little face light up with the giving. The wonder. The magic. The joy of it all through the eyes of child.

I snuck out of bed and tiptoed into the dark to see what EK will see when she stumbles in bleary-eyed in the morning. There is a massive dollhouse; one that I never imagined would be that big. (I’ve got to get better at reading the fine print). And somewhere is the Beauty and the Beast movie, her own personal request to Santa Claus himself when she hesitantly sat upon his knee and whispered her desire.

Here’s a little before/after. The kids these days call this a Transformation Tuesday I believe, but I’m not sure whether I’m coming or going, much less what day it is for all that.

Last year’s Santa pic to this year. She actually sat on his lap this year, but still wearing the same look of uncertainty on her face.

Oh it’s fun really, isn’t it? I need to remind myself of that often. Having a little family of my own. Creating and making our own traditions and memories. I don’t want Christmas to be an elaborate affair. A few gifts, with the emphasis on the true meaning. This year, I followed this little mantra of gift giving: something you want, something you need, something to wear, something to read.

We began a Jesse tree for advent, working through the Bible stories leading to the coming of Jesus on that holy night. I was sewing the ornaments with a little felt and embroidery thread. We were gathering around a little tree in EK’s room reading the stores each night, but as in typical fashion, that kind of fizzled out. I think I made it through the burning bush. There’s always next year, right?

I’ve got promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep.

We went and enjoyed the second annual cutting of the tree this year. I walked the forest along with my family trying to find the “perfect” Christmas tree. During the inspection of each tree, I composed a whole blog post in my mind about how “choosing a Christmas tree is like choosing a spouse” but as in typical fashion, I never got that posted. But it’s a no-brainer. You get it. There is no perfect tree, just as there is no perfect mate. But the moral of the story is: pick one you can live with. Learn to love their quirks and eventually they’ll die.

Um, maybe that’s not the best moral, but it’s the truth.

Well I’ll sign off now and try to get some shut-eye before dawn rolls in.

Have a merry Christmas!!

Looking Out My Front Door

I live in a very cool place. Not braggin’ or anything, just stating facts. I have come to really love it here, and why not? I am in the midst of the Creator’s glory. Truly. Mountains, streams, wildflowers, and trees. One of the perks of living in a very cool place is that sometimes I look out my front door and see cool stuff. And sometimes, I see not very cool stuff, like bear trash. Among the cool stuff are two big bucks that came to say hi the other day. If I knew anything at all, I’d be able to tell you what kind of point system these dudes were on. But whatever. Sidenote: I may or may not have a thing for yellow vehicles. So do the deer. Not gonna lie, I was a little bit leery of being this close, with my little EK by my side and all. Those are really some big antlers and I’m not real sure if they would charge, but of course the vision of being gored by deer entered my mind. A reel of every episode of “When Animals Attack” shortly followed. Our cat was very curious too. You can see her photo bomb in the lower right corner of the second picture. Speaking of very cool things: I have a black cat and it’s October!!! October means Halloween! Does anyone else think that’s awesome besides me? No? Well I think it’s very cool. The leaves here are in an array of colors and taking a picture of a black cat in fall leaves is currently on my bucket list. Y’all remember this cat? Isn’t she a beauty? I have come to adore her. It is definitely a ‘she’. And her name is Rocky Muffin. But sometimes EK says, “I changed her into a boy” so then we call ‘him’ Bagheera. As I don’t have a ton of cat experiences, I really have nothing to compare this cat to…..except a dog, and let me tell you, she is just like a dog to the point of jumping in the car to go for rides and following us on our walks. Yesterday, I tried to get some cool pics of ol’ Baggy, but didn’t really succeed. It just so happens, unlike a dog, she doesn’t know how to sit or stay. It’s still a lot green here, mostly because we have some cool season grass, which unlike normal grass, stays green until Spring, then it dies. So there’s more summer than autumn in my pictures. But whatever. I’m not giving up yet, so be on the lookout for more pics of this cat. Maybe shoved in a jack o’ lantern? Maybe being gored by a buck? The possibilities are endless.

C’ est La Vie

Do you ever have moments in your life when you realize you don’t even know who the hell you are? Maybe I’m the only one. But sometimes, I can’t believe the way I behave or the thoughts in my head and I have to pause and say, where did that come from. That’s not like you.

Case in point: I’m sick. I’ve been sick for a while and it’s beginning to get to me. I’m convinced the house is filled with black mold and it’s slowly killing us all. Google; it’s a wonderful thing and an awful thing. Used to, back in my normal, younger years, I would have sucked it up and carried on my wayward son. But now, it does nothing more than knock me on my butt. I need chicken soup and NyQuil and two or three days to veg in my bed with tawdry romance novels. But I’m a momma and an auntie and I have to carry on, despite it all. Back when I had sick days, I never took them. Now I’d give anything to have a sick day. You know?

If you don’t really know me, and you only read my blog, you probably think I suffer from clinical depression. My blogs are full of doom, despair, and agony on me. But life isn’t interesting when it’s happy, is it? I don’t suffer from clinical depression, it’s just that I like to blog when life is kicking me in the pants. Which is more often than not, seems like. So maybe I do suffer from clinical depression. Or maybe it just helps me cope. Complaining is the best medicine. Or is that laughter? I get confused. Especially when I’m sick. And blue. And suffering from Clinical Depression.

It’s on days like these, when I want to fast forward life 20 years to see how this all turns out, that I have to remind myself that I’m just having a bad day or maybe a couple of bad days, but not a bad life. Suck it up, butter cup.

So now that I’ve unloaded my warped mind and feelings on you, I’m feeling better, so let’s discuss a few important things:

1) For starters, remember when my EK loved her silver high heels? That’s all she would wear. Dresses and high heels. One day, after months and months of dresses and silver high heels, she just decided she was done with all that and would wear pants and shirts and shorts and tenny runners (what my dad would call them). I thought she had retired the silver high heels. Until today, when she woke up and decided she wanted to wear them. With jeggings. And purple socks. So we did. Not a battle I’m willing to fight.

2) Speaking of fashion, when is chevron going to go out of style? It’s probably one of those fashion things I’ve totally gotten wrong. Like capris. Twenty years ago or something, people started wearing capris. You know, they used to be called knickers, then peddle pushers. I looked down at my then Levi’s 517’s and thought to myself, ‘those peddle pushers are the stupidest looking things, and you won’t catch me dead in them’. Famous last words. My whole entire wardrobe consisted (consists) of them for years, maybe it still does. Wishing I could put myself in some Levi’s nowadays. Twenty some-odd years passes and suddenly we’re bombarded with chevron. You know, it used to be called zig-zag. I said to myself, ‘well, that’s cute, but it won’t last. It’s a fad’. So I resisted. I own nothing in chevron, and yet it’s still every where I look. Clothes, walls, furniture, floors. Pretty soon, someone will paint their car with it.

Have you seen those cute little eyelashes people put on their Volkswagons? You know, they used to be called slug bugs. If I had a hippie van, I’d put eyelashes on it. But I wouldn’t paint it chevron. But daisies? Now we’re talking.

3) I’ve been trying to edit a book that I wrote a year ago, and I’ve just decided it sucks. I suck. And it was a stupid idea to ever think I could write anything life changing or even substantial. I’m ready to give up on this dream of writing. Maybe I’ll become a curmudgeon instead, it sounds like a better lifestyle choice and I think I’m more cut out for it instead.

Then I have to give myself a pep talk and say where did that come from? That is not like you. Then I get on Pinterest and get some inspiration and then I tell myself not to give up. That I’m just having a bad day, not a bad life, and to carry on my wayward son. Then I blog and tell you all my troubles and I feel much better.

4) Ash has started Driver’s Ed. Yes, this is happening. She also has a boyfriend. That’s happening too. And has had a car date (to a homecoming dance with another couple). Part of me can’t believe she’s old enough for all this and then part of me is ready to marry her off so I can veg out in my bed for 3 days instead of chauffeuring her around and cooking supper every night. Then I’m reminded I’ve still got 16 more years with this other one before I get to lie in bed with tawdry romance novels for days on end.

And yes, I hear you all…….Cherish this time, it will be gone before you know it, enjoy your children, you’re going to miss this.. Blah, blah, blah. I hear ya, I hear ya. I’m just having a bad day, not a bad life, okay?

5) I’m still off Facebook! Yea me. It’s been almost 2 months. What have I missed?

6) Here’s a couple pictures of my lovelies, in case you’ve been missing them.

And here’s a picture of me:

Just having a bad day, not a bad life.