parenthood – Angel Wheeler

Eleanor’s 2nd bday letter

Dear Eleanor,

Happy 2nd birthday my precious one! You and me, we stayed up past our bedtime last night, you snuggled on my shoulder, and watched videos of your little life. There you were blowing out your candles, and there you were showing me how high you could jump, squatting low and raising up but your toes never left the ground. There you were reading a book and announcing “God loves me” at the end because you had been read it so often you knew that’s what it said. As we watched these videos, I couldn’t help but get a little sad. It just seems like yesterday and so long ago at the same time and I fear I didn’t pay enough attention yo all those little moments that have passed us by. It’s a mom thing. One day, you’ll understand what I’m trying to say.

You are growing up and being shaped by the world around you and I can only pray that I am being the mom you need.

You live life to the fullest. You are smart, determined, headstrong, and dare I say bossy? These sound like bad traits but they are not! You are a force to be reckoned with and steered in the right direction, you can do and will do amazing things with those traits.

You are also friendly, compassionate, empathetic, and so very playful. You love to laugh and make others laugh. You are a bit of a TV junkie and you go through obsessions where we watch the same thing over and over until you are ready to move on. So far, it’s been The Wiggles, CoCoMeLoN, Winnie the Pooh, Monsters Inc., Luca and now you are into The Good Dinosaur.

You are one of those kids who loves to carry around a teddy or a baby doll all the time and sleep with one too. You are a big talker…lots of vocabulary and can communicate all you need, you are a potty training school drop out but we’ll try again later, it’s ok. Sometimes I think I rush you to grow up and you just aren’t ready yet.

You love to read books, color, play with your babies and push them in a stroller. You love to eat food that’s not good for you and play with our new dog Puddin and our old cat Rocky. You give them hugs lay with them when they let you.

You are mischievous and a boundary pusher. You hide to poop and hate getting dressed, your hair brushed, or your diaper changed. We fight a lot. And I usually win but sometimes let you. You throw yourself on the floor on your belly and cry when you throw a fit, which happens daily over the silliest things. You still get hurt a lot but it seems to be getting less frequent. You have had a lot of boo boos in your little life.

You do love your family, although I’m your favorite. Not to brag or anything. But you don’t think anyone can do anything for you except me. You say “mom, hold your baby.” With your little arms outstretched. You’ve started practicing manners and you say “oh thank you” on the sweetest high pitched voice and you beg “peeeas” when you’ve been told no.

I just love you so much little El. You bring so much joy to all those around you. You make people smile and laugh. You are a treasure and you are teaching me so much about faith, love, grace, fun, and patience. Lots and lots of patience!!

I hope you know how much I love you and that I am always here for you no matter what!!!

Xoxo,

Mama

Ordinary, yet precious

Life is made of moments. Many are magical. Most are merely mundane.

Ordinary life. But within every second of mundane and ordinary, lies the power. The power to be present. The power to choose your words carefully. The opportunity to connect with others. The opportunity to love, show love, and be love. All we really have is this moment.

Life is made of moments. Some day, the moments will only be memories. Time is precious and people are precious and that’s really all we need to know. Treat both as such.

Cheers to 7 Years

My Dearest Emma Kate,

Happy 7th birthday, my precious darling child! When you were born, I got a lot of advice. I didn’t ask for it, by the way, but sometimes people just like to give it. One of the most common things I heard was “Don’t blink. They grow up so fast.” I’m sure I’ve already given this advice out to new moms and if I haven’t, I’m sure I will. It is the God honest truth. There is nothing truer in this world than how fast time flies. How in the world has seven years passed already?

It makes me sad sometimes. You’re infancy, toddlerhood, and now half of your childhood is just a memory. Well cherished. You are a ray of sunshine everyday to me. Rod Stewart (I know you’ve never heard of him, and I should change that) says, “You fill my heart with gladness. You take aways all my sadness. You ease my troubles, that’s what you do).

This birthday, you asked for a glitter water bottle, pink hair extensions, a doll from Hobby Lobby named Emma “who looks just like me!” and a Rubix cube. You lost your third tooth this week. It’s a top one and you look so funny. Sorry kid, but you do. You were so excited to lose it before you turned seven. And your toothless grin makes me smile! You are a little prankster and you love to trick me and your dad. Of course, we never fall for it, but we act like we do. You’ll get this someday when you’re playing dumb for your kids, too. You love to play games. You give the best squeezes. Right now you are over the moon about llamas! You want everything llama themed, from your toothbrush to your bedroom. So naturally, we had a llama birthday party! You wanted to go to the Plaza and have them sing happy birthday, so we managed that too! You truly don’t ask for much, and you are just happy and content no matter what.

51223912_10219215884014754_175594532396597248_n You love your family and gymnastics so much! You really are passionate about that. You set goals for yourself, and you are hoping to get first place at one of your gymnastics meets. I’m proud of you for striving, but please always know it is not what you do that matters. You matter, already. No matter what you do or don’t do. You are loved, you are adored, you are worthy, you are deserving. You don’t ever, ever, ever have to earn love. You are loved. You are love. We will always love you. I know you’re going to grow so fast. I cherish the days I have with you. I try to see the world through your eyes. It’s hard, because grown ups have lost that childlike joy, imagination, and wonder. But you keep it alive in our house. Even when we’re tired and don’t want to play or imagine, you make us and it’s good for us. You love to wrestle with your dad and you love to snuggle with your mom. You are our gift. I mean that. I don’t know where we would be without you, but it would never be as grand and wonderful as where we are today. May you always know how much you’re loved and may you love life, always!

I love you more than you can ever understand,

XOXO
Mama

Mother’s Day #5

I’m a bit of a creature of habit. Just a bit. Not too much. Only when I want to be, really. But I do have a little tradition of blogging on certain celebratory occasions. My daughter’s b-day and Mother’s Day are the only 2 I really think of right now. Most of the time, this little blog is a ball of random. When the whim hits. Which hasn’t been hitting much lately.

Sunday past was Mother’s Day. My fifth one. I’m not sure words can describe motherhood. There have been many people who have tried to put the words down, including myself. I think one of the best I’ve ever read is: #motherhood:

How true.

Motherhood is complete sacrifice, even when you adore pie.
Motherhood is seeing the tiniest, most minuscule, grain-of-sand-sized love God has for us.
Motherhood is a heart that is both broken and full to bursting often at the same time.
Motherhood is worry.
Motherhood is joy.
Motherhood is an exhaustion beyond what you ever thought possible.
Motherhood is sticky fingers and sweet kisses.
Motherhood is a million “I love yous” and a few teenage “I hate yous”.
Motherhood is handmade cards.
Motherhood is lots of laughs and plenty of tears from all parties involved.
Motherhood is eating lots of spaghetti.
Motherhood is late nights and early mornings and feet in your ribs when sleep does come.
Motherhood is thankless mostly, but worth every moment.

This Mother’s Day I was showered with little gifts. Gifts that will be put away in the bin with the other sweet gifts I’ve been given and the ones hopefully to come.

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18447353_10213478050932513_4614352799574924184_n Each moment is a true gift. A treasure to hold. Time passes so quickly. For some, motherhood never happens or sadly ends too soon.

My little daughter came into my life unexpectedly and the emotions I went through were paramount. We are tight. This girl and I. We have a bond right now that I hope will outlast all the growing pains we still have to endure. The past five years have flown by, and I know the next 13 will zip past. And then she’ll soar on the wings that her dad and I have hopefully helped give her. So for now, I cherish every Eskimo kiss, every hug, every stick figure drawing stuck to the fridge, and even every melt down.

Every beautiful moment of motherhood for the past five years I have tried to store away, either in my memories or in this blog. I have been given such a remarkable little girl and I am so honored to be her mom.

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What this day means to me

The calendar hanging on the wall reads May 20. But I don’t need the calendar to remind me. I’ve actually been thinking about this day all month. I’ve been thinking of this month all year. I couldn’t let this day slip past without an acknowledgment, because this day is pretty significant to me.

Today is the due date of my second child.
I have no crib set up.
There is no freshly painted nursery.
No hospital bag is packed and waiting by the door.
There is only a what if and a why.
There is only my thoughts of how different my life would be right now… if only.

I think of her a lot. I call her Ivy Quinn. I don’t know that she was a girl, she didn’t make it long enough to find out, but I have a hunch.

Physically, she was only a part of me for a few weeks, but she will be a part of me until I take my last breath. She was mine regardless. Her life ended, but mine continues. Her heart stopped beating, but mine beats on–even with a hole in it.

There is pain. There is heartache. There is something missing that was to be. Then suddenly wasn’t to be.

I never felt her kick or held her in my arms, but I hold her in my heart and I always will.

I wash dishes in a sink full of suds, but there is no baby bottle to rinse. I fold clothes and stack them in piles on the couch, but they are absent of tiny gowns.

I can’t help but feel guilty. All the ‘ifs’ haunt me. If I had only wanted her more? If my initial reaction hadn’t been one of inconvenience? Would it have made a difference. If only she had known how very much she would have been loved? If I hadn’t been so overcome with doubt, worry, and fear? Would it have mattered. If I had felt more excitement? If I had told more people?

We had a photo taken. It was clever and cute and we were going to announce it when the time was right. I hung it in our bedroom. We told our little Emma. She was so excited. Then I had to tell her the hardest thing I’ve had to tell her yet. She was quiet and then she said maybe the baby will come back later. Then nothing else was said. Ever. I put the photo away in a drawer.
Out of sight, but not out of mind.
Especially today.
On May 20.
The due date of my second child.

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Two Year Old Snowman

Today is the first official snow of 2015 here in my corner of New Mexico. Official snow in my book anyway. There might have been a previous flurry or two, in which I consider that officially unofficial.

EK wanted to go build a snowman, but she didn’t want to wear all those clothes. “They’re too tight. They’re too tight,” she complained. Also, the fact that they didn’t match produced a few tears, but after wearing them for a bit, she got used to the discomfort and fashion taboo-edness and didn’t want to come inside for forever.

It was a day of christening the Snowman Kit that EK bought for her daddy Christmas 2013.

Her snowman when she was still two, but just barely.

As JDub and EK packed on the snow forming a buddha-like belly for the snowman, I grew a bit nostalgic. Today is January 13. In 15 days, my baby will turn three. Two weeks and one day. It’s not that I don’t know she’s about to turn three. We’re in the throes of princess party planning, but sometimes the realness of a situation just hits you, you know?

I sat and thought of last year, of the snowman we built. It seems like an eternity ago, and it seems like yesterday. The thought struck me that this snowman will more than likely be the last snowman she will build as a two-year old. The first and the last.

Last year’s snowman, when she was still one, but barely. December 21, 2013

Even she knows how quickly time flies. Recently, while holding up her little fingers just so, she said, “I’m two and I’m going to be three. I’ve already been one.” She’s already been one. That’s over and done. And in a few days, she will be able to say she’s already been two.

Excuse me while I blubber for a moment and go hold my girl, while she’s still two.