parenting – Angel Wheeler

Eleanor’s 2nd bday letter

Dear Eleanor,

Happy 2nd birthday my precious one! You and me, we stayed up past our bedtime last night, you snuggled on my shoulder, and watched videos of your little life. There you were blowing out your candles, and there you were showing me how high you could jump, squatting low and raising up but your toes never left the ground. There you were reading a book and announcing “God loves me” at the end because you had been read it so often you knew that’s what it said. As we watched these videos, I couldn’t help but get a little sad. It just seems like yesterday and so long ago at the same time and I fear I didn’t pay enough attention yo all those little moments that have passed us by. It’s a mom thing. One day, you’ll understand what I’m trying to say.

You are growing up and being shaped by the world around you and I can only pray that I am being the mom you need.

You live life to the fullest. You are smart, determined, headstrong, and dare I say bossy? These sound like bad traits but they are not! You are a force to be reckoned with and steered in the right direction, you can do and will do amazing things with those traits.

You are also friendly, compassionate, empathetic, and so very playful. You love to laugh and make others laugh. You are a bit of a TV junkie and you go through obsessions where we watch the same thing over and over until you are ready to move on. So far, it’s been The Wiggles, CoCoMeLoN, Winnie the Pooh, Monsters Inc., Luca and now you are into The Good Dinosaur.

You are one of those kids who loves to carry around a teddy or a baby doll all the time and sleep with one too. You are a big talker…lots of vocabulary and can communicate all you need, you are a potty training school drop out but we’ll try again later, it’s ok. Sometimes I think I rush you to grow up and you just aren’t ready yet.

You love to read books, color, play with your babies and push them in a stroller. You love to eat food that’s not good for you and play with our new dog Puddin and our old cat Rocky. You give them hugs lay with them when they let you.

You are mischievous and a boundary pusher. You hide to poop and hate getting dressed, your hair brushed, or your diaper changed. We fight a lot. And I usually win but sometimes let you. You throw yourself on the floor on your belly and cry when you throw a fit, which happens daily over the silliest things. You still get hurt a lot but it seems to be getting less frequent. You have had a lot of boo boos in your little life.

You do love your family, although I’m your favorite. Not to brag or anything. But you don’t think anyone can do anything for you except me. You say “mom, hold your baby.” With your little arms outstretched. You’ve started practicing manners and you say “oh thank you” on the sweetest high pitched voice and you beg “peeeas” when you’ve been told no.

I just love you so much little El. You bring so much joy to all those around you. You make people smile and laugh. You are a treasure and you are teaching me so much about faith, love, grace, fun, and patience. Lots and lots of patience!!

I hope you know how much I love you and that I am always here for you no matter what!!!

Xoxo,

Mama

A Letter to Emma on her 11th Birthday

To my dear Emma Kate,

Today you are eleven years old! Happy Birthday my dear precious one!! You are a beautiful young lady, but more beautiful on the inside. What can I say about you after eleven years? You have stepped into the big sister role remarkably well and are the best big sister to Eleanor. She so loves and adores you too. I’m so thankful she has you for a role model and I can’t wait for you to be able to drive in just 5 short years so you can get her to all her things! You help me with anything and everything when I need it. You are a good friend and are always considering their feelings and how your actions will affect them when you have to make decisions.

At this stage in life, you are still dancing the ballet shoe, as Eleanor would say. I think this is your 8th year of perfect attendance in ballet. You are a beautiful, graceful dancer, and over Christmas break, you received your pointe shoes. That brought you great excitement and pride. You decided to stop gymnastics after 5 years, and that’s ok. Not everything is meant to stay with us forever. Seasons come and seasons go.

You are an excellent student, receiving many compliments from teachers. In fact, you’ve never not made the A Honor Roll in all your years so far. You always strive to do your best and that makes me very proud. Heck, all of you makes me very proud.

You are funny, weird, and a bit goofy at times, when you let your hair down. You spend your free time with friends or on the computer; playing Roblox, scrolling Pinterest or watching YouTube. Please be careful with your device time and try to keep it in check. It can really become an addiction and a wedge to relationships. You love Harry Potter and books that involve fantasy, but I do believe you’ve outgrown all the things of childhood fantasies in real life.

You are one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me and I am honored and grateful to be Mom to such an amazing person! Keep being you in these next few years, especially when everyone will want you to change to fit some mold. Although at the time it will seem very important to be in a certain crowd or to fit in, in actuality its a very short number of years of your life and you will find you place and your groove and be exactly where you need to be. Don’t take life too serious (you might be prone to do that). Make time for fun & play & always know how very much you are loved by me. I am here for you always and forever.

Much love,

XOXO Mama

My Mom Died on this Day Last Year

I knew this day was coming for a while.

It did not sneak up one me.

The one year anniversary of my mom’s death.

I thought I would be fine. I have been fine. I thought this day would be no different.

I opened fb this morning and read my sister’s post about her and suddenly I was not fine.

The tears began to pour and they would not stop.

I remembered.

I looked at her pics (not many).

I watched all the videos of her (again, not many).

I heard her voice.

I saw her smile.

I regretted so much, and realized what I should have done differently.

I reflected on how much she has missed in our lives and how much we’ve missed her.

I don’t think I gave myself time to grieve. This time last year. Actually, I know I didn’t give myself time to grieve. Because when your mom dies, and you have an 8 month old baby, you don’t have time to shower, much less to grieve. Life goes on. Babies demand that their needs be met. When you lie down to sleep, exhaustion overtakes you, and your mind rests. Until you wake the next morning, your schedule full, already feeling behind. There’s no time to grieve with a family to raise.

Is it a blessing? Maybe. Maybe not. I certainly don’t know.

But today, I let the tears fall.

And

fall,

and

fall,

and

fall.

My baby said, “Mama cry.”

“Yes, baby. Mama cry.”

And one day, my baby will cry for her mama too.

It seems almost cruel, doesn’t it? Harsh reality.

Life can be so lonely when the ones you know who have loved you the most are gone. There is no amount of love from siblings, spouses, or children that can equal the love from the ones who loved you the most. The loneliness that seeps in can sometimes be too much.

So I write, and in doing so I hope to heal a little.
Perhaps just a nook.
Maybe a cranny.
But part of my soul feels better now and I will forge on, living and loving until my time is no more.

Buoyed by memories and the love they carry, shall they carry me on.

Eleanor is one!

My dear darling wild one,

You are one year old! Which means I have succeeded in keeping you alive for an entire year. Whew! You may think I’m kidding, but I’m not. You have not been an easy one so far. It has been the hardest year of my life, actually. Between your falls, clumsiness, crankiness, sicknesses and demanding nature we have made it! There is a reason people have their children young, Not that I would ever know but can imagine, instead of when they are nearly 46 years old. It’s easier, I suppose. But you are here and have a mighty purpose I know. This is all God, baby. You are His. He wants you here and He wants me as you mom. I question Him daily, I really do. I have not fully accepted my life yet. I know, I know. You are here to stay, but you are still just a shock!

I’m kind of hard on you, and I need to lighten up. You really are a good little girl. My expectations are too high and I’m working on that really. I need to slow down, soak you in, savor each and every moment. You would think that I would know how to do that, but in actuality, I think it’s because I feel like I’m running out of time, that my life has been put on hold for now, and there’s still so much to do here. So much I want to do here. Honestly, I don’t feel like I’m doing a good job with you right now. Forgive me, sweet girl, and know that I love you so much and want the absolute best for you. I’m trying to be better.

You are so smart. You are beginning to understand our conversations and you try so hard to say the words as well. You’ll get there, I’ll get there, and it’s getting easier to communicate. You can understand practically everything I say and if I say let’s go take a bath, you head straight to the bathtub. You love your bath time. You can throw your diapers in the trash (along with things you shouldn’t), you are learning to put puzzles together, you love, love, love your books and it’s one of the few times you actually sit for a period of time.

You love people. I think you’re going to be an extrovert, we’ll see. You can be so tired, cranky, and irritable, but when it’s time to go bye-bye and we get around others, you are all smiles and waves. You have people smiling right back too. You have the toothiest, cutest little smile and you truly light up a room with it. You love to give big hugs and give a little grunt on the end of one. You blow kisses and love your family so much. Oh! And you started saying mama! I don’t think it is directed to me, but you can finally make the mmmmm sound and it’s so sweet sounding to my ears.

Sleep is so improved! I am so proud of you. We finally got into a rhythm and you just might be the kind of kid who thrives on a schedule. I’m going to try to remember that. It goes against every fiber of my being, I am more of a free spirit, but you definitely benefit. You’ve been sleeping 7-8 hours through the night now and are taking two pretty good naps each day, all in your own crib! Hooray! It’s amazing what a little sleep can do for you and me both! To think of it, you might be a free spirit as well, but function better with scheduled sleep!

We had a little family party for you and you had a blast. We practiced blowing out your candle, but you didn’t quite know what to think of that flame. We had presents and your dad made you a chocolate cake, which you loved squishing your fingers all in and eating up. Your Grammy Jo, Buddy, Uncle Chad, Uncle Steve and his family, and us were all here to sing to you and shower you with loads of attention and love. You got a slide and immediately learned how to crawl straight up that thing. You also got some fun toys and new shoes and socks, and a toothbrush for those seven pearly whites. You went to bed worn out.

I’ll be taking you for your one year check up next week and I’ll update your stats, but I think you are weighing in around 20 lbs right now. Your hair, which has stuck straight up on your head all year, is finally beginning to lay down and it has quite a bit of red in it too. You’re just a little beauty. You’re just a little wonder. I am thankful you are here to teach and guide me to be a better person. I love you so much and I always will. Never ever forget or doubt that.

XOXO,

Mama

10 & 11 month old Eleanor

Hey there my sweet Ellie Belle,

Happy 11 months my little darling daughter! I’m combining these last 2 months since I didn’t get an opportunity to write to you last month. Life is busy and you, my dear, keep me hopping! I honestly don’t know how the time gets away where I can’t even find time to blog, but it sure does. Mostly the days are spent fixing you something to eat, fighting you to stay in your high chair, cleaning you, the high chair, and the floor after feeding you, watching every move you make so you don’t hurt yourself, picking up the cat food and water so you don’t spill them, then putting them back down because the cat is meowing about them being put up, holding you while you sleep because you won’t sleep more than 30 minutes by yourself, picking up all the tupperware and various items you’ve dragged out of the cabinets so you can drag them out again, and then I fix you something to eat because it’s already time again, fight you to stay in your high chair, clean you, the high chair, and the floor….you see the pattern don’t you? Rinse and repeat.

You are a fun loving little blast of a baby. You are very curious, very smart, and very much on the move. You began walking already! You took your first real steps at 10 months and 3 weeks after taking a couple here and there. But girl, you are accident prone. You truly need to learn cause and effect (and fast) so we can be spared many bumps, bruises, and tears. I can tell already, you’re the kid who is going to be on the top of the jungle gym and in the trees. I was a tree climber too and spent many of my best days stretching my imagination in the branches of some beloved trees.

I started taking you to the chiropractor to see if it would improve your sleep, so that’s a new experience for you. We began sleep training at the end of December and that’s a new experience for me. It’s not terrible, it’s not great, but we’ve got to get some sleep around here and your mama is at her wit’s end about it. You’re getting the hang of it. I’m the one who needs to be patient with you and not expect overnight miracles.

You really are so fun! If it wasn’t for you, somedays I wonder if we would even laugh, but you are constantly cracking us up with your antics, faces, babbling, and overall cuteness. You are a people person, and we just don’t know how to deal with that since the other 3 of us really aren’t haha. But you love people. You interact with strangers in the stores when out and about. If someone isn’t paying attention to you, you do the cutest head tilt their direction and make sure they look your way. Then you give them the cutest toothy grin. You crinkle your eyes up and you get a little nose crinkle too. You have a little dimple in your right cheek. You are just adorable. And that’s the truth!

And smart! You watch everyone and everything they are doing. You can take lids off markers, unscrew lids off bottles, you understand everything we are saying even if you can’t tell us yet, and you copy behavior (good and bad). You are very vocal, yelling and telling us stories all day long. You make all the sounds except the m, I swear it. I don’t think you’ll ever say mama. Ha! I know there’ll come a day when I wish you’d stop saying mama when you’re driving me nuts. But we’re not there yet, so go ahead and get it out.

You’re my little buddy, my joy, my playmate. We have so much fun playing, dancing, singing, and loving each other. I will love you always and forever, as long as I’m drawing breath. Always know that. Never forget it.

XOXO,

Mama

Ordinary, yet precious

Life is made of moments. Many are magical. Most are merely mundane.

Ordinary life. But within every second of mundane and ordinary, lies the power. The power to be present. The power to choose your words carefully. The opportunity to connect with others. The opportunity to love, show love, and be love. All we really have is this moment.

Life is made of moments. Some day, the moments will only be memories. Time is precious and people are precious and that’s really all we need to know. Treat both as such.

Be Careful Little Eyes

I weigh myself daily. I record my weight in a journal everyday. This is before I have a sip of water or a cup of coffee. This is right after I’ve gone to the bathroom to ensure I weigh as little as possible. This is before I read my daily affirmation on my calendar. This is before I wake my daughter for school. This is my routine. Everyday.

I’ve never thought much about this, until I found a little blue sticky note, where in pencil in a child’s hand my daughter had recorded her weight twice. My seven year old. My heart sank with the realization that my seven year old is concerned about her weight. But in today’s society, it wouldn’t be unheard of. In a home where her mother is weight conscious, it’s not a bit surprising either. If we don’t think for one second our kids are watching our every move, we are fools. We are being watched, listened to, and even more important to note, we are being imitated.

I chart my weight in order to stay on top of it because if I don’t, it can easily get out of control. Would I like to lose weight? Sure would. But I try to be very careful what I say around my kid that is weight related. When I was a kid, my mom always said she was fat. So I thought she was fat, because kids have this trusting tendency to believe everything grownups tell them. Right or wrong. When I see pictures of my mom from my childhood (very few), she is not fat at all. She’s just regular. An average mom who thought she was fat. So I get that, I really do. I don’t want to pass that one on. So I am cautious to not speak of myself as fat or turn my nose up at myself in the mirror with a big UGH.

We know how society is affecting our young children, especially girls, with its supermodels, photoshopped pictures and airbrushed glossy magazine covers. That’s all true. My mind was put at ease when I learned that my daughter is tracking her weight because she is wanting to gain weight so she can outgrow her booster seat. Isn’t that just like a kid, trying to grow up before their time?

But this sticky note put a lot of thoughts in motion for me. It gave me an opportunity to pause a moment and look hard at myself. My words. My actions. Our kids are living in the world we create for them. What are they seeing? What are they hearing? What are they imitating?

Do they see us lash out at the people we profess to love the most after a hard day at work? Do they see us lose our temper and hear us curse? Do they see our frustrations and road rage? Do they hear us complain about everything….the service, they traffic, the wait, the co-workers, the teachers, the bills. Do they listen to us gossiping with friends and making fun of others? Do they see us give money to the man with the cardboard sign? Do they hear us apologize when we’re wrong, and sometimes, we are. Do they hear us compliment a stranger’s shoes or see us drop what we’re doing to a lend a helping hand? Do they see us staring at our phone at every red light or line we wait in? Do they see us praising God, even in hard times, and down on our knees in prayer?

This little blue sticky note in my child’s handwriting was a huge Note to Self. It reminded me of how powerful my influence is on those around me. Not just kids, but most importantly kids. Most importantly this one kid. Remember I said she was sleeping when I do my weighing and charting? Well, not every time obviously. There are times she’s watching. And listening. And imitating.

So are others.

Never underestimate the power you have. You can have such an important impact on others. You may not think your words and actions are making a difference, but they are. You make a difference. Make sure it’s a good one.

Love in My Lap

The clock is a kill-joy on mornings like today. Mornings when my baby girl is so warm and snuggled up against me, her breathing heavy and full, a half-snore.

Mornings come so early for us, and bedtimes don’t always come easily. It’s hard to rub the sleepies from our eyes some days, and this morning was no exception.

I am on the countdown to summer break, for both of us. Well for all of us. It wouldn’t surprise me a bit to find our cat marking X’s on the calendar, if she only had opposable thumbs. I think she’s on the countdown too. She knows that soon we can sit like this all morning if we want to. We probably will. I love her soothing purrs and EK’s half snores.

It’s no secret that my baby isn’t a baby anymore. But I will carry her from her bed to the recliner as long as she reaches her arms around my neck and snuggles her face into my neck each sleepy morning. I will carry her as long as I have strength to do so. I will hold her in my lap as long as she curls up in it. I will breathe in the smell of her hair and kiss her little head for as many days as possible.

I believe that the gift of being an older mom is knowing in my heart how fleeting the days are. I may not be young and hip. I may occasionally get mistaken for her grandmother. I may be old-fashioned and a bit of a stick in the mud. I may get tired soon after playing shadow tag, but I am sure of one thing. I am not foolish enough to believe that these moments will last.

When you get to a certain age, you start looking back. Here I am, halfway through life (not positive, but realistically yes, but gosh that’s hard to think about) and it went by in a blink. Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes. I remember a younger time when it felt like days dragged on and waiting for something to come seemed to take an eternity. Like graduation or a wedding day. Even summer breaks felt long when I was a youngster. I remember a younger me full of goals and dreams, rushing through days, not living in the present but taking every day for granted, the next would come and I would wash and repeat. Can you relate?

Not anymore. Now me and J-Dub look at the clock in the evenings and can’t believe it’s 8 pm already. Where does all the time go? It flies. That’s the truth.

The clock that hangs on my wall was a gift from my dad. I remember my 25th birthday when he gave it to me. I remember the 25 year old who was cute and hip and took everyday for granted. She could probably play shadow tag for hours. The clock chimes on the hour. I try to have EK ready before 7 bells each day, but today we sat a little longer. I relished the seconds that passed. I attempted to slow down time. I did not want them to end. I felt such joy and love. But the clock chimed our reminder that time is passing; slowly for some, much more quickly for others.

I nudged her awake, stirred the cat, and began the day with a heart of pure gratitude for the love I hold in my lap each morning.

On Your 6th Birthday

My dearest Emma,

You are now six years old. This year has been a whirlwind. Heck, your whole life has been a whirlwind. How is it that you were so tiny just a little bit ago? A little bundle. It seems so far away, and at the same time, it feels like yesterday.

You want to be so big. We have a measuring chart hanging in our house and sometimes you check to see if you’ve grown everyday. You got your first big girl haircut, cutting your waist long hair up around your shoulders. You just lost your first tooth, and already have another one a’wigglin’. You want your ears pierced so badly, but your daddy is hesitant, so we’re putting you off a while longer. Just slow down a bit, kiddo. It goes so fast. We have time. We have time. There’s one thing, though. You still let me hold you. Every morning, you sit in my lap and let the sleep fade away in the dark morning. I love it so much.

You are the smartest kid. I am constantly amazed at your reasoning. You are sensitive and logical, also a bit melodramatic at times. I might add you have a tad bit of a little temper. It’s not a good thing to have. Learn to control it and you’ll save yourself a whole lot of trouble down the road. You are witty and funny. You love a good joke and you think practical jokes are the funniest! We often find our bathroom toiletries all rearranged or your dad will find something you’ve stuck in his boot. You act silly and dance around the house unashamedly moving and grooving.

You are a pure joy. We have so many laughs and so many good times together. My favorite is when you say “I love you so much! You’re the best mommy in the world.” You have no idea how much I love you, Emma. You’re the best girl in the whole wide world!

XOXO,

Mama

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1 year down, 13 more to go

My baby girl, my only child has completed her Pre-K year. I couldn’t be more proud of her.

I know, I know, it’s a little silly when you think about being proud of completing pre-k, right? It’s not like she wrote research papers or received an associate degree while taking high school classes or worked a part-time job and maintained the A Honor Roll, or that she’s off to some Ivy League School. Like what did she really do that I should be so proud? Well, I’ll tell you what she did first and foremost. She blossomed! She blossomed and learned in so many different areas! That’s why I’m proud.

Just look at those pictures! Just look at them.

You might not be able to tell, but she grew an inch and gained 5 pounds too!

The little buttercup went from being mostly shy and timid to outgoing and confident. Granted, she still gets a little nervous talking to people, but at least she’s not hiding behind my legs anymore. As much, anyway. That’s why I’m proud.

Of course she learned lots of academic type of things. She can read several words and a few little books, she has great number sense, and a lot of common sense as well. She tries her best at everything she does and wants to succeed. She is responsible and superb! That’s why I’m proud.

She also did big 5-year-old things this year, like learning to tie her shoes and fix her own hair, which might look a fright most of the time, but she does it herself and her independence and self-confidence is more important in the big scheme of things than a perfect hair-do. She also decided that she can put herself to bed and sleep alone. But every 4th night, I can still sleep with her. She’s growing up independent and confident. That’s why I’m proud.

She worked so hard in both her dance and gymnastics classes and more importantly had fun doing it. She can swing herself on the swings with just one push to get her started, and cross the monkey bars by herself. She is learning that hard work pays off and practice does make almost-perfect. She is learning that things may be hard at first, but not to give up, keep on trying and eventually you’ll get there. That’s why I’m proud.

She is good and kind and thoughtful which is the most important aspects I would like her to develop in her years of learning. I want her to know that it is better to be a friend to someone who needs one, than to fit in with the “in-crowd”. I want her to know that not everything is going to come easy, but she’ll never be disappointed in herself for knowing she gave it her all. She learned more this year of the important stuff than she might learn her entire academic career. Her foundation is laid.

These next 13 years are going to fly by. I know that all too well. It may be that some day she’ll be off to an Ivy League School, or maybe she’ll backpack across Europe. As long as she stays true to herself and discovers happiness in her journeys is my heart’s desire for her. It may seem silly to you that I write these milestones down, but I know my memories won’t always be as clear and I want to remember it all: every little accomplishment, every single stepping stone on her path to wherever she is heading.

She is such a joy, and I am so very proud to call her mine.