The calendar hanging on the wall reads May 20. But I don’t need the calendar to remind me. I’ve actually been thinking about this day all month. I’ve been thinking of this month all year. I couldn’t let this day slip past without an acknowledgment, because this day is pretty significant to me.
Today is the due date of my second child.
I have no crib set up.
There is no freshly painted nursery.
No hospital bag is packed and waiting by the door.
There is only a what if and a why.
There is only my thoughts of how different my life would be right now… if only.
I think of her a lot. I call her Ivy Quinn. I don’t know that she was a girl, she didn’t make it long enough to find out, but I have a hunch.
Physically, she was only a part of me for a few weeks, but she will be a part of me until I take my last breath. She was mine regardless. Her life ended, but mine continues. Her heart stopped beating, but mine beats on–even with a hole in it.
There is pain. There is heartache. There is something missing that was to be. Then suddenly wasn’t to be.
I never felt her kick or held her in my arms, but I hold her in my heart and I always will.
I wash dishes in a sink full of suds, but there is no baby bottle to rinse. I fold clothes and stack them in piles on the couch, but they are absent of tiny gowns.
I can’t help but feel guilty. All the ‘ifs’ haunt me. If I had only wanted her more? If my initial reaction hadn’t been one of inconvenience? Would it have made a difference. If only she had known how very much she would have been loved? If I hadn’t been so overcome with doubt, worry, and fear? Would it have mattered. If I had felt more excitement? If I had told more people?
We had a photo taken. It was clever and cute and we were going to announce it when the time was right. I hung it in our bedroom. We told our little Emma. She was so excited. Then I had to tell her the hardest thing I’ve had to tell her yet. She was quiet and then she said maybe the baby will come back later. Then nothing else was said. Ever. I put the photo away in a drawer.
Out of sight, but not out of mind.
On May 20.
The due date of my second child.
Okay, here we go. I must start this blog with a disclaimer.
There are bloggers who make money blogging. I’m not one of them (although that’d be swell).
There are bloggers who have perfect pictures of projects that people pin on Pinterest. I’m not one of them. I don’t even know how to put a P on my pictures so that people could pin them on Pinterest (although that’d be swell).
I’m just a mom, who happens to blog, who is trying to celebrate my kid’s birthday in a fun way using ideas from Pinterest that I’ve stolen from other people who make money with their blogs.
You will not find anything original here. Or anything perfect. You might even see messy. Or real. And that’s my life. Judge not (that’d be swell).
So my little daughter EK turned 4 and she requested a My Little Pony party. My town (consisting of Walmart and 14 dollar stores) had absolutely nothing in the way of My Little Pony party supplies. So we stole the idea of using Rainbow Dash pony as our Lead Horse and combining rainbows with My Little Ponies, but mostly just rainbows. When I say we, I mean me. Because rainbow parties are cool. Rainbows are cool. She’s 4. And if I put a few ponies out and about on the tables, that’d work, right? (Secret: I don’t even think I had a Rainbow Dash pony out anywhere!)
Parties can get a bit out of hand these days. It seems like moms keep pushing the envelope. How big can they possibly get? I really really really really strive to have a simple party. But then suddenly it gets bigger and bigger and bigger. And then I look around and I’ve got ponies and rainbows and icing up to my elbows. And you know what else? I don’t even like parties! But I will tell you, that when my little girl walked into the room and saw the decorations, her little face lit up. She jumped up and down clapping. Ran over and hugged me around the legs. She kept saying how excited she was and it was right there in that moment, I realized that I may not like parties but my little girl will only turn 4 once and even if no one else came to help us celebrate, we will celebrate. It is her life. The day she came into our world and changed it forever. She is worth celebrating! The party may not have been picture perfect, but we had a great time and here it is.
I didn’t have time to get a great invitation together because at almost the last-minute, something came up and we had to move the party up a weekend. So I just did what we did in the “olden days” and bought invitations at one of the 14 dollar stores in town and handwrote the Who, What, When, and Where on the blanks ha!
Doing a rainbow theme is easy when it comes to decorations, because you can find the colors of the rainbow anywhere and everywhere. The backdrop in the following picture is made out of plastic tablecloths that are hung in the colors of the rainbow and the poufs and balloons are supposed to be clouds. I used some old banner and tablecloths from her 2nd birthday Sesame Street themed party and added them to save money.
Because our party was from 4-6, we served some hotdogs and chips. I also threw together a veggie platter, trying my derndest to use the colors of the rainbow, but really other than orange bell peppers and eggplant, some veggies just don’t come in the colors of the rainbow. Also a fruit platter, that when you look real closely may, in just the right light, maybe with one eye shut and your head tilted at a 30 degree angle, might look like a rainbow with some marshmallow clouds.
Our cake was a 5 layer rainbow cake following the colors of the rainbow. At first, I was going to make the batter and use food coloring to color different batches of dough, but at the store, I found already colored pouches of cake mix. It was still a booger to make (lots of dirty dishes) and cutting it was a chore, but it turned out fun. We added skittles to the outside for a little extra rainbow flair. J-Dub of course helped me with the cake as I was about in a near tizzy when it came to icing it and a full-blown tizzy at cutting that tall sucker. It started to look like the leaning tower of Piza. It was taking both of us to try to hold it up and cut it without making a total mess. I can’t say we succeeded on not making a total mess. It’s just a good thing kids don’t care!
For fun, we dipped some Oreos in white chocolate and sprinkled them with rainbow sprinkles. EK really enjoyed helping with this. Now, this isn’t as easy as it looks, there’s a couple of tricks to getting the stick to stay put without breaking the Oreo into fragments. You get to eat a lot of broken Oreos while you’re doing this! Well, you do if you’re me.
I baked a few cupcakes and since there wasn’t too much chocolate and I personally prefer chocolate, I put some chocolate icing on these which turned our reminding me a little bit of hot mess of dog poop sitting on top of a cupcake, but if anybody else thought so, at least they didn’t say anything. Again, kids don’t care.
I always worry about the activities and games. I think it’s the school teacher in me. I have learned from a schoolroom full of kids that when their time isn’t filled with structured activities, they will find a way to fill it, and it may not be what you want them to do. So I always overplan on this part and they usually just end up playing their own games instead of mine. Maybe one day I’ll learn to relax and trust the process a little.
It worked out that since we lived in the country and EK’s daddy had a horse available, we were able to offer pony rides to go along with the theme of My Little Pony. We also asked a friend from church to come out and give each child their own “cutie mark” with face paint. EK wanted a piñata, and so a few kids got in on that, but we were running almost out of time and many guests left before this. Unfortunately, during all the hustle and bustle, I wasn’t able to get pictures of any of these activities.
I had also bought a little photo booth kit, you know one of those funny faces photo booths? I thought the kids would love this, but they didn’t. I practically had to drag kids into it to participate. For this age of guests, I think I should have put up a mirror near it, so they could at least see what the looked like before the picture was snapped. I did have a few willing participants. That’s EK in the cat eye glasses and a few of her cute friends.
Emma had a lot of fun with her friends and family and it turned out to be a great time. As soon as it was over, she said “I can’t wait to turn five!” She’s already planning her next birthday! Thankfully I have a year to rest!
It seems I have a love/hate relationship with Pinterest. Anyone else?
I love all the “stuff” it offers, the great ideas, the pictures of beautiful places, the words of wisdom it imparts. Like this one:
One of my favorites.
But I hate all the other”stuff” about it. The pressure it exerts to be the perfect, cutesy mom and do all the perfect, cutesy crafts; the outfits that look adorable and amazing on the model but will never look like that on me; the guilt I feel because it sucks my life right into it’s Pinteresty little claws and leaves me wondering where my day has gone and if I’ve fed my kid.
But today I’m feeling the love kind of day for Pinterest.
Today I have an Ode to Pinterest. A very short Ode.
Pinterest, oh Pinterest, how I adore thee
After 973 failed experiments ,
One finally worked
I attempted a chore chart for my pre-schooler. Technically a chore chart, but casually called a to-do list because that really sounds so much more grown up.
You see my biggest fear, my greatest ambition, my strongest drive as a mom is simply not to screw my kid up. That’s all I want. Really. I just want her to grow to be a well-adjusted, responsible, kind human “bean” that does a little bit of good in this world and casts a little light in a dark place. Is that too much to ask?
I’m trying my hardest to keep her from being an ingrate. An entitled, rude, spoiled rotten brat. Uh…it’s not really going so good some days.
It seems simple doesn’t it? Give her lots of love, boost her self-esteem, teach her manners and responsibility, don’t spoil her. Blah, blah, blah. I’ve read all the articles.
But it’s so much harder than that. Because this little human that I’m trying so desperately not to screw up, has a mind and a will of her own. And because there comes a time that your smart little girl who you’ve praised her entire life for being so smart turns into a little argumentative know-it-all in pigtails because she really believes she KNOWS IT ALL. And whose fault is that? (All heads turn toward me).
Just trying to build her up and not tear her down and what have I created?
So that’s when I have to take a deep breath and just keep on keeping on.
Side note: to all you parents of teenagers out there—-I really don’t need to hear the “oh you just wait. These are the easy years. It only gets harder” crap. That’s not exactly words of encouragement, in case you didn’t know.
Now onto the chore chart/to-do list.
I stumbled across it on Pinterest and thought I’d give it a try. Today was our first day with it and it worked beautifully! It was almost a game. A wonderful thing I tell ya.
I used this person’s idea
but instead of using a clipboard, I used a cutting mat because it’s what was here at the moment I got this wild hair.
These are awesome and have lots and lots of options for all age kids.
We went through looking and reading all the pictures and then I put four on her chart (not the four in the picture because I decided to take a pic after the fact and those just happened to be the four I grabbed.
She carried her chart around with her keeping track of her to-do’s (wished I’d gotten a picture of that), moving them to the DONE column as she finished. She was so proud. We added four more and she worked so hard to complete those too.
It was so fun, I think I’ll make myself one and I’m not even kidding. There’s just something about seeing those colored pictures and moving them to the DONE side that’s better than crossing out a to-do list, and I do despise a to-do list.
The most fun was the “pick up 25 things card”. There are always things out of place around here. Hair ties. Markers. Books. We made it a little race to see who could get 25 things put away first.
I used velcro for our chart, and the velcro kept peeling off the laminated cards so I’ll probably have to add a little super glue. I think using magnets on a cookie sheet would also work really well.
I’m going to adjust ours and use it three times a day. Once for her morning routine, once for her chores, and once for her bedtime routine.
Hopefully the eagerness on her part will continue and the consistency on my part will as well. Let me know if you try this, how it works out.
We danced in the rain, arms outstretched, face upwards.
We water-colored and crayon colored.
We cooked and sang.
We kicked a soccer ball and practiced writing the letter S.
We read books and looked for hidden objects in the pictures.
There are a million things my mind tells me I should be doing. Like packing to move 400? miles away. And cleaning the house. And fulfilling commitments that I promised I would do. I should be doing laundry and keeping a more daily skin regimen and I should not be eating icing from the can with a spoon.
I sneak in my “Me” moments, (which are not “Me” moments at all, but just the stuff you have to do to keep life running) at times when I can. I try so hard to balance the attention I give her with the other things that need my attention. Am I harming her more than helping, I can’t help but wonder. Will she turn into one of those entitled, selfish brats that I read so many articles about because of my “overparenting”?
Those are the things my mind tells me. And my heart tells me that sticky fingers do indeed wash and wearing the same jeans two days in a row is not the end of the world. That knowing she is loved and cared for is truly more important, isn’t it? Isn’t it the most important? My heart tells me this time with my daughter is short; shorter than I realize. I have friends posting graduation pictures of their children on social media, and I count the years remaining. Fifteen. I actually count those years more often than I should. Fifteen years until I can have an uninterrupted conversation with my husband. Fifteen years until I can sleep late again. Fifteen years until I can go to the bathroom without someone barging in. Actually, I have way less than fifteen, I know.
Motherhood is such a battle at times. Your heart battles your mind. Your shoulds battle your should nots. Your selfishness battles your self-sacrifice.
Some days I wish it were easier. I wish that I could be assured that everything I’m doing is right and good and that this little person is going to grow up with fond memories of family and fun and me. That she will possess responsibility, integrity, morals, and high standards. That she will grow up self-sufficient and independent, yet never act arrogant nor pretentious. That she will grow up and know love, and be able to show love to others. I choose to give her my time and my attention. I choose to help her know she is important and she matters. Only time will tell if I’m doing it all wrong.
We picked a fluffy dandelion and she asked me what I wish for. I looked into her deep brown eyes and said I already have everything I could ever need. I wish for her wishes to come true. She looked around the yard and saw her purple chair and said she wishes for a purple chair.
Last night you went to bed as a two-year old and today you woke as a three-year old! But not technically. You actually have until 2:47 this afternoon until you can officially say you’re three. You are the absolute most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. I love you so much.
You are smart, beautiful, and funny. I am easily entertained by your antics, whether it is the funny things you say or the silly eyes you make, you always can make me smile.
You enjoy coloring and painting. Of course you love your books as you always have, and your cat Rocky Muffin. You are super smart, knowing and recognizing all your letters and your numbers to ten. You have begun to know how to make the letter E, and then you just scribble some m’s like mountain tops and a dot for the A. You love all things princess related and we celebrated this past Saturday by having a Princess dress up party. Three of your friends joined us and we had the best time. Everyone had at least one wardrobe change. We played Hide the Slipper and Pin the Kiss on the Frog. Then we decorated foam crowns to wear. I had a lot of fun making you a cupcake princess dress and seeing your sweet face full of excitement. You were so good and well-behaved and truly acted like a princess should.
The funniest part of the story is that you are convinced since we already had a birthday party that today you are four years old. You insist that, “I’ve already been three!” You are trying to convince me to have a farm party for your fourth birthday. I hate to break it to you, but birthdays only come once a year. You need to not rush things anymore than they already are. It seems like yesterday that you were that bright-eyed, alert newborn baby.
You will always be my baby, no matter how old you get. I thank God for you everyday and for the time I have to spend with you watching you grow. You are my blessing, one I am ever grateful for.
So, occasionally I like to blog about the funny things that come out of my daughter’s mouth. Today, I’m keeping it short and sweet with the latest three funnies.
1) She’s learned how to covet. Something she often says is “I wish I had ____________(fill in the blank)”. The other day while looking at Pinterest with me, she said “I wish I had that dress. In my dreams.” Maybe she’s realizing she doesn’t get everything she wishes for.
2) The sun was shining last Saturday, so we headed out for a hike in the woods. Although most of the snow had melted in town, we discovered a lot of snow, mud, and puddles on the trail while heading up. Needless to say, I hadn’t dressed her in the best shoes for trekking through the aforementioned conditions, she was simply wearing a pair of “sneaks” as she calls them. She was doing a great job hiking however; no complaining, no stopping, no slowing down when she fell in the snow. Her daddy was bringing up the rear and commented, “Emma, you’re a trooper.” She replied, “No I’m not! I’m a hiker!”
3) She spent some time with her young male cousin recently during all the holiday visits. Today, while going potty, she informed me that “Maxx pees out of his belly button. Silly Maxx!”
Oh the fun of it.
You can read her other cute sayings here and here.
I’ve got this almost 3-year-old, going on almost 30-year-old.
She says some of the funniest things. I posted about them last here. One of my faithful readers and commenters, Donna, coined them Emmaisms and I thought that sure sounded catchy.
Today I put on my 80’s playlist to get myself moving to clean the house after the holiday storm that rushed through here a few days back. Trying to get back in my groove. I began singing rather loudly to Journey. You know how you do whenever Journey comes on. It doesn’t matter where you are, or what you’re doing. When Journey plays, you sing. It was a little bit of Separate Ways. I was belting it out pouring her some milk.
Someday love will find you, break those chains that bind you. One night will remind you…….
Emma looked at me and said,
“Mom, let them sing by themselves.”
She lives in a fantasy world most of the time. Princesses and fairies. She takes turns wearing her dress up clothes with the matching shoes and hair. Yes, hair. If she’s Elsa, she has to have a braid. Cinderella, a bun. Belle, a half bun. It is exhausting how many times she changes clothes and hair styles in a day. The other day she just wanted to be Emma.
“I don’t want to be a mermaid. I just want to be a human from America.”
Good enough for me, kid.
Don’t make the mistake that these little kids don’t learn how to make excuses at a very young age. Whenever she doesn’t want to do something that she’s been told, she collapses into a limp noodle in my arms and exclaims,
“But I don’t have any feet!”
She’s my little homebody. She never wants to go anywhere, not even the playground. Or the store. She says she’ll just stay home by herself. The other morning, she looked at me with all the seriousness in the world and said,
“Mom, I’m not leaving today. I’m just going to stay home and be naked.”
On that naked note, Material Girl is playing now and the house isn’t cleaning itself.