Am I worthy of a ‘hello, nice to meet you?’

I’m ranting.

Not just because I’m mad, but because I’m sad too.  Anger and tears.  That’s what happens to me.  First I get angry, and then I cry and then I get angrier that I’m crying, and then I cry harder, which makes me more angry.  Aaarrrggghhhh!

I have such a high tolerance too.  I rarely get mad, so I have to sort this out in my mind.  Why am I so mad?  Or am I really hurt?  Yes that’s it, I’m hurt. If my friend were sitting on my bed with me right now she would remind me that anger is a peacock emotion.  In other words, anger shows itself while a different emotion is being hidden.  One of those hidden emotions is hurt.

I have just been treated so rudely by someone in the educational field, a professional I dare call him, and I’ll use that term loosely.  Blatant, out and out, rudeness.  Offensive.  Treated as if I were nothing.  A nobody.  My niece’s teacher would not look up from his computer to simply say hello when my niece wanted me to meet him.  As I introduced myself, I got a hmmmm hmmmm in response, right along with a “I’ve got a conference at 3:30”.     He didn’t stand, he didn’t say hello, he didn’t extend his hand, he didn’t even look me in the eye.

I am an outsider here.  I am reminded of it all too often.  My self worth and self confidence is at an all time low for whatever reason, and for someone to not acknowledge that I exist, that I am standing in the same room, that I am a human being with a beating heart, well quite honestly, he waylaid me.  I have been drop-kicked in the gut.

Am I unworthy to be spoken to.  No, that’s ridiculous.  I feel so silly to allow someone to make me feel this low.  Yet, I do.

This is a feeling I don’t think I have ever experienced before IN MY LIFE.  A feeling of complete unworth. And I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.  Which causes me to question, have I ever treated someone else like this? Even unconsciously?  I hope not.  I hope I have never made anyone, be it a parent at school, a relative, a clerk at the convenience store, a classmate from high school, or a beggar on the corner feel as if they were nothing, as if they didn’t matter, as if they were unimportant.  But the truth is, I have.  I’m sure I have.  Even though I can’t recall it, they remember it.  How could someone forget.  It hurts too deeply.

So, what will I do?  Will I fire off a scathing email to him like I want, and then visit his principal and tattle on him, like I want?

No I won’t.

Will I tell my husband through my tears what happened  and beg him to go beat him up, like I want?

No I won’t.

Will I find out where he lives and throw a roll of toilet paper through his tree branches and then egg his car?

Maybe I will do that.

No, I won’t.

Instead I’ll remind myself of who I actually am.  I’ll thank my God that He has made me HIS CHILD, that I am a daughter of THE ALMIGHTY KING, that I am HIGHLY FAVORED, that God DELIGHTS  in me, that He SINGS over me, that I am LOVED so very much that God himself would robe himself in flesh, remain sinless, yet die a gruesome death for me.  FOR ME.  I am WORTH that much to Him.  Unworthy to be spoken to by a teacher, maybe I am, but to God I am SOMEBODY.  Because of that, I will lift my head, I will wipe my tears, and I will remember that everyone (including that teacher) is worthy of a smile, a kind word, a simple hello.  I will strive to be a better person who treats everyone I meet with dignity and respect, regardless of how busy I am, what kind of day I’m having, or whether I had my coffee that morning.  What a humbling experience I’ve had today, and what a reminder and a lesson I have learned.

If I have ever made you feel bad about yourself, please forgive me.  Please know it was not intentional.  Please know I did not intend to hurt you.

Sending you my cyber hug,

Angel