Lately I’ve found myself in a very deep place of sadness. I can’t seem to shake it. I’ve tried prayer, meditation, positive thoughts, reading His word, music, exercise, even sitting alone and forcing myself to smile for a minute at a time. I’m about to resort to shopping. I may temporarily feel better after these endeavors, but it is short lived.
No one knows I’m sad. Not even the people I share my house with. They just think I’m constantly in a bad mood because I mask it with irritability. My heart’s hope is by blogging and sharing my struggle, it will help me find my happiness.
I could blame it on the rainy weather that threatens to linger through 2017 or through Christmas at least. But I think that isn’t the cause of my sadness, but only exacerbates it.
There’s other factors as well. I’ve been fighting an infection for over a week, and in other body news my thyroid which revolted against me 20 years ago is completely out of whack right now. I’m not sleeping and I just feel overwhelmed. I know these physical conditions can affect the mind. But again, I don’t think they are the cause.
I am battling with my weight, exercising all the time, and then counteracting the good effects by eating much more than one woman ever should. This is a troubling cycle which only causes frustration. Each day, I stand again on square one.
I am not a crier, but fighting tears has become too common lately.
When I delve deeply and truly question it all, when I sit still and don’t distract myself with the boring household chores or the internet, when I truthfully look at my situation, I realize the reason for my melancholy is that I feel all alone. I am living in a beautiful place, surrounded by glory and majesty and color. A place where people escape to. I’m surrounded by people and yet I am all alone. I have no family here. I have no friends here. It’s not even that I’m a big friend person. It’s that if I wanted to call someone up and say, “Hey let’s do something”, I wouldn’t have that option. Sure, me and EK have a play group and story time and church that we attend each week, but those are just people I see every week, not people who know me.
Is it also that I feel purposeless? Yes. Being a housewife is boring and tedious and repetitious. But do I even want to leave this messy house? No. I want to stay in bed, letting the raindrops make trails down my window and imagine God is crying with me.
I know there’s many people who suffer from the blues. I’ve not been one of them really, until now. Down in the dumps usually last only a short time for me. I don’t want to call this the D word, because it will pass, but while I’m here in it, it really sucks. I also feel really guilty for feeling this way, because I’m super blessed and I have no reason to feel sad. So then I throw guilt in the mixing bowl with all my other emotional ingredients and I end up with a batter very unappealing.
But anyway, I’ve said enough. I do feel better, strange as it seems, to open up my soul and show all of you my ugly insides. It’s like a release. And because I know many of you after you read this will stop and send happy thoughts my way, all the way across the states, the plains, hills, and streams, all the way to this valley that I’m sitting in right now. And I will see your happy thoughts coming on the winds, like little messenger pigeons bringing me your well wishes, your smiles, your “everything will be okays”.
I will look to the sky and wait for them. As they approach, I will open my heart and reach out my hand and catch them as they flutter to the ground. I will clasp them to my chest, close my eyes, and then send you one back.
“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.”
― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Angel Wheeler 
HUGS HUGS HUGS!!!!! Moving to a new place is very hard. I still feel like I don’t have any friends in my area. I have lived in my town for 7 years. I just need to step out of my comfort zone and put myself in a position to meet more people. Examples: Libraries with Wyatt, Bible Study small groups, groups that have the same interests like running or crafting
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I know you understand. It is hard. Thanks for the HUGS. I felt them 🙂
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Angel, I am sorry that you are struggling. I have been a little myself. I decided mine was feeling like I wasn’t contributing to society and lack of meaningful conversations. I’m better now because I have gone a few days & helped some K-2 teachers do text reading levels. Do you think there is a way you could volunteer at a school. Even if you helped a teacher by doing things at home for her. It might give you more of a sense of purpose. Just a thought because you are a very talented teacher & children are missing out not having the advantage of learning from you. I’ll send happy thoughts & prayers your way.
Love & hugs
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It’s tough trying to find your new place. I have had to find my place as a mother, and then as a stay at home mother, and now in a new place. I just would like things to settle down, but life changes. It goes on, no matter what. We must roll with it. Thanks for your happy thoughts and prayers!
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My most precious and beloved child! I love you MORE than anyone in this world! No one will EVER love you as much as I do! You are perfect and have always been perfect in my eyes! Proud, proud, proud, I have always been of you! My buttons BURST at the mention of your name! NEVER have I heard a disparaging, uncomplimenting or anything even close to a negative comment against you! Anyone and everyone who knows you LOVES YOU! You are beautiful inside and out, smart……. very, very smart, giving, caring, loving, wonderful, helpful, and EXTRAORDINARY, at all times and in every way! I would take ALL of your sadness and pain away and absorb it into my whole being if I could!
I know that this all stems from your thyroid! Never have I known about or heard about a thyroid as bad as yours! If only you could come home where you have SOOOO many friends who love you! I know that you can’t…….because of Ash. Just always know that I love you MORE then LIFE, and I would give my life in a heartbeat…….for your health, happiness and PEACE! ! ! ! !
With the ‘whole’ of my HEART, I LOVE YOU!
Mama
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I know. I love you too mom!
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My sweet Angel … your Mama is right, no one could love you like she does, but there are those of us who “love” you with all OUR hearts, as well! I have tried over the last year or more to analyze this unusual “connection” I have felt for you ever since the first time I clicked on and read your blog!! I am not a computer guru and I only look at two sites (one mostly for recipes) and yours! I don’t facebook, tweet. twitter, purchase anything on the computer … nothing! But I DO check up on you everyday, kinda like my daily phone call to my one and only daughter!! Maybe it is because the two of you seem so much alike! She was a teacher, is a talented seamstress, magnificent quilter, fabulous cook, amazing wife, mother and now grandma. She loves the Lord and lives her daily life by His word, but there have been and still is, many “bumps” in the road for us. We just have to trust that He will continue to bless us with His goodness. Most importantly, you must never question your “purpose”, for you most assuredly have one! Her name is Emma Kate! (and Jason, too) Oh, how I wish I could say the right things to make your concerns, fears, and troubles go away, for I certainly would do that in a heartbeat, if I could! (by the way, there is a beautiful song called “If I Could”, I can’t remember the artist, but the words say just what I would say to you today) Maybe you could “google” that and listen to it. (I told you I know very little about this technology ha.ha) I love you girl, my dear friend, my “cyber”daughter … until next time – Donna H.
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You are very special to me Donna! Thank you for being there through all of this…..
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Angel, I have had a thyroid problem for 13 years. I have Hashimoto’s thyroiditis. Over the past eighteen months, I have struggled as it has spun out of control. The dose of my medication has changed at least ten times. I have had so much blood work that I had to get a binder to hold the results as it only fights against the confines of a regular folder. I have felt despair. Deep down in my socks, close my eyes and sleep for six months until the sun actually holds meaning again despair. I’ve had massive panic attacks. I’ve tried to hang on as my emotional health has ridden a roller coaster I wouldn’t even ever look at while visiting a theme park. HANG IN THERE! Remind yourself as much as you have to that what goes down must come up. It’s the truth, I’m living proof. It will be ok. Champion your own health. Be good to yourself. Don’t beat yourself up and be sure to have your thyroid checked. I eventually had to go gluten free which has helped immensely. Keep the faith and if you ever need a shoulder feel free to drop me a line at whichwayiseast@yahoo.com. Thyroid problems are such a pain in the neck :). I know, not funny.
HUGS and wishes for balance and inner peace. Mary Beth
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Mary Beth, I am so glad you told me your “real” name!! Hashimotos is what I have too. I have had it since I was 18. I was good and regulated until I got pregnant and then it needed to be adjusted 2 or 3 times. Since I delivered, it’s just been out of whack, still needing increasing, then it’s too much. Being hyper doesn’t make you feel any better either. Hopefully I’m on the correct dosage now and it will smooth out. Gluten free….probably a good idea. Or at least lose all those bad carbs for me. Thanks for your sweet words. Truly appreciated!
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OH, and KEEP WRITING! IT helps!! You can do it. Hang in here. Just hang in there.
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Your mom’s post made tears fall down my face. I lost my mom 7 years ago and reading that made me remember what I miss so much about her being gone……she was my number 1 fan….she was the only person on earth who loved me that much. I don’t know you that well….only through Facebook and your blog but you seem like a beautiful person…inside and out! You’re writing is awesome, you have a beautiful little girl and it seems you have a husband who loves you. Being in a funk doesn’t mean you don’t appreciate those things so you shouldn’t feel guilty for that. I don’t know what to say to make you feel better but I’ll be praying for you. I have stayed at home for almost 7 years now and ran a home daycare….I have been through times of feeling blue because I have felt alone. I have felt out of touch with society and felt like I didn’t have a purpose. There are people who understand what you’re feeling and you’re not alone…..maybe that will help. I hope all the prayers and happy thoughts help you feel better soon. Thank you for being honest and writing what’s in your heart.
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Thanks for your comment Shawna. I appreciate it. Yes, a momma’s love is something precious isn’t it? I appreciate your kind words and I am already feeling much better!
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