Jesus is my home-boy – Page 3

Hope

Tonight I was Master of the Remote Control— a title I don’t especially covet.

I don’t like Television for many reasons that I won’t go into, but tonight for an unknown reason, I decided to turn on the T.V.

I started with The Singing Bee which made my heart happy. I am a World-Class-Lyric-Maker-Upper, so anytime I knew the words to the missing lyrics, I was hooping and hollering right here in my living room. Then I turned to an episode of 20/20. It was all about the Internet and the terrible, horrible people in this world who prey on victims, steal identities, falsely accuse and exploit others, and who truly have evil in their hearts. I thought of my little blog and all the good people who read and comment. Call me naive and stupid, but I still believe there is more good out there than bad. I ended my TV watching experience of the night with the 10 o’clock news and the disheartening forecast of severe drought and 109 degree high temperatures, plus extreme wind. When it was over I was thoroughly depressed, cognizant of why I do not watch TV, and scarfed down 2 waffles just to feel better about the world and my place in it.

I needed an uplifting story. Something that would give me hope, and prove that good wins over evil, and that there is something to look forward to in this world. I thought of googling “uplifting stories” and choosing a touching one, but then a story I’d read before popped into my mind. One of my most favorite stories of all time. I copied it from a website written for children called childrenchapel.org. It’s the story of a great man named Elijah and a contest. It speaks to me on so many levels.

The drought conditions were continuing to get worse. There was hardly any water to be found ANYWHERE. The creeks had dried up LONG ago, and the rivers had become patchy mud puddles. Food was scarce for people and for animals. In fact, many of the animals had already DIED because of the shortage of grass.

King Ahab was beginning to worry about his OWN herds of cattle and flocks of sheep. He called Obadiah, one of his servants, to his side.

“Obadiah,” he said, “something must be done before all the animals die. We must find grass and water. You go in one direction and I’ll go the other. There must be grass somewhere.”

So King Ahab and Obadiah set off in different directions, in search of fresh grass and water.

While Obadiah was looking here and there, trying to find mud puddles and grass, he saw a man walking toward him. “I wonder who that could be,” he thought to himself. As the man came closer, Obadiah recognized him. “Why, that’s Elijah!” he exclaimed out loud and ran to meet him.

“Elijah! Elijah! Is that really YOU?” he asked excitedly.

“Yes, I am Elijah, and I want you to do me a big favor.”

“What is it, sir?” Obadiah asked politely.

“I want you to go tell King Ahab that I am here and want to see him,” Elijah explained.

Obadiah instantly became fearful. This was NOT something he wanted to do. “How can you even think of asking me to do such a thing?” Obadiah asked with astonishment. “Don’t you know that King Ahab HATES you? Don’t you know that the King is blaming YOU because there has not been any rain for all these years? Besides that, the King has been looking for you. Every time he thinks he knows where you are, you leave and no one can find you. If I tell him you are here, then you will leave again; he will want to kill YOU and ME. I’m sorry, Elijah. I just cannot do it!”

Elijah looked at Obadiah and patiently explained, “It will be fine, Obadiah. I promise you that I will be here. I promise you that I WILL see the King. Now please, just go and tell him I wish to speak to him.”

“YOU! YOU! YOU are the one that is causing trouble for Israel!” King Ahab shouted in anger. “YOU are the reason we have had no rain!”

King Ahab speaking with Elijah “No, King,” Elijah replied. “YOU are the cause for all this trouble. You have turned away from Jehovah, the one true God. You are worshipping the false god, Baal. You have caused the people of Israel to sin by worshipping idols. YOU have brought all this trouble to Israel.”

Elijah continued his speech. “I want you to gather 450 prophets of Baal, and 400 prophets of of Ashtoreth, and have them meet me at Mount Carmel.”

King Ahab did as Elijah said and gathered the prophets. A large crowd of people gathered also to see what was going to happen.

Elijah stood before the crowd. “How long are you going to try to worship Baal and Jehovah? You cannot serve more than one god. If Baal is God, worship him! If Jehovah is God, worship Him! You MUST make a decision. You must choose one or the other.”

Then Elijah said, “We are going to have a contest to see who is the REAL God.” He told them to bring enough wood to build two altars – one for Jehovah, and one for Baal. He told them to bring animals for the sacrifice – one for Jehovah and one for Baal.

Altar

The 450 prophets of Baal built their altar. They prepared the animal for the sacrifice. Then they started praying: “O Baal, hear us! O Baal, hear us!” From morning until noon they kept up the shouting.

Elijah was taunting and making fun of them: “What’s wrong? Can’t your god HEAR you? Has he taken a trip? Why isn’t he answering you? Perhaps he is talking to someone else. Maybe you should scream LOUDER.”

Midday had passed, and now it was getting late into the evening, and the prophets of Baal were still shouting and screaming at the top of their voices. Baal still was not listening.

Elijah told the people who were looking on to gather around him. He took 12 stones for his altar, used the wood that was brought, and prepared the animal for the sacrifice. Then he did a very strange thing indeed!

He told the people to bring him four barrels of water. It sounded pretty strange to them, but they DID bring the water. He poured the water on the altar and on the sacrifice.

Barrels filled with water

He told them to bring him four more barrels of water. “What’s wrong with this guy? Doesn’t he know there is a shortage of water?” they were mumbling among themselves. But they obediently brought the water. He poured the water on the altar and on the sacrifice.

That wasn’t enough for Elijah. He told them to bring him FOUR MORE barrels of water. “How much water is he going to waste?” someone whispered. Again they did as they were told and brought the water. He poured that water on the altar and on the sacrifice. The sacrifice was soaked with water. Water was running off the wood, onto the stones, and onto the ground. He dug a ditch around the altar and filled it with water also.

Then he began to pray a simple prayer:

“Lord God, let the people know that You are the true God of Israel and I am your servant. Let them know that I have done these things because You told me to do them. Hear me, O Lord, so these people will know that You are the Lord God, and they will serve You again.”

Fire from heaven falls on the altar and consumes the sacrifice

SUDDENLY, fire came down from heaven! It burned up the sacrifice! It burned up the WOOD! It burned up the STONES! It even licked up all the water that was in the ditch around the altar!

When the people saw it, they dropped to the ground in fear and cried out, “The Lord, He is the God; THE LORD, HE IS THE GOD!”

Then Elijah turned to King Ahab and said, “Get up! Eat and drink! There will be an abundance of rain!”

So King Ahab had something to eat and drink, and Elijah took his servant with him to the top of Mount Carmel to pray to God and wait for the rain. “Look toward the sea and tell me if you see rain,” Elijah said to his servant. The servant peered into the distance but didn’t see any rain.

Elijah kept praying.

“Look again,” Elijah told him. He looked again, but still there was no rain.

Elijah continued praying.

He looked six times, and each time there was no rain. Not even a small cloud was in sight.

Elijah prayed one more time

and asked the servant to look again.

Cloud

This time the servant saw a little cloud way out in the distance over the sea. “Run quickly!” Elijah commanded. “Go tell King Ahab to get his chariot ready and get off the mountain before the rain starts.”

It was just a little while before the sky became dark with clouds.

The wind began to blow.

There was a drop of rain…

…then another.

Then there was a great downpour.

THE DROUGHT WAS FINALLY OVER.

Everyone in Israel knew for certain that Jehovah was the REAL God and Baal was just a make believe god.

REMEMBER: Everyone must choose between good and bad. It is impossible to serve God and the devil.

How did this story speak to you?

A Note From our Father

This turned my day around today.

A facebook friend, Janet, had it posted.

I felt compelled to share.

In a world of much uncertainty one thing is true, God knows everything about you: everything you have ever done; everything you have ever said; and every thought you have ever had. He is an awesome God! Here is a love letter to you.

My Child,

You may not know me, but I know everything about you (Psalm 139.1)

I know when you sit down and when you rise up (Psalm 139.2)

I am familiar with all your ways (Psalm 139.3)

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered (Matthew 10.29-31)

For you were made in my image (Genesis 1.27)

In me you live and move and have your being (Acts 17.28)

For you are my offspring (Acts 17.28)

I knew you even before you were conceived Jeremiah (1.4-5)

I chose you when I planned creation (Ephesians 1.11-12)

You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book (Psalm 139.15-16)

I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live (Acts 17.26)

You are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139.14)

I knit you together in your mother’s womb (Psalm 139.13)

And brought you forth on the day you were born (Psalm 71.6)

I have been misrepresented by those who don’t know me (John 8.41-44)

I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love (1 John 4.16)

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you (1 John 3.1)

Simply because you are my child and I am your Father (1 John 3.1)

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could (Matthew 7.11)

For I am the perfect father (Matthew 5.48)

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand (James 1.17)

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs (Matthew 6.31-33)

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope (Jeremiah 29.11)

Because I love you with an everlasting love (Jeremiah 31.3)

My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore.(Psalms 139.17-18)

And I rejoice over you with singing (Zephaniah 3.17)

I will never stop doing good to you (Jeremiah 32.40)

For you are my treasured possession (Exodus 19.5)

I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul Jeremiah (32.41)

And I want to show you great and marvellous things (Jeremiah 33.3)

If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me (Deuteronomy 4.29)

Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart (Psalm 37.4)

For it is I who gave you those desires (Philippians 2.13)

I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine (Ephesians 3.20)

For I am your greatest encourager (2 Thessalonians 2.16-17)

I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles (2 Corinthians 1.3-4)

When you are broken-hearted, I am close to you (Psalm 34.18)

As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart (Isaiah 40.11)

One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes (Revelation 21.3-4)

And I’ll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth (Revelation 21.3-4)

I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus (John 17.23)

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed (John 17.26)

He is the exact representation of my being (Hebrews 1.3)

He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you (Romans 8.31)

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins (2 Corinthians 5.18-19)

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled (2 Corinthians 5.18-19)

His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you (1 John 4.10)

I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love (Romans 8.31-32)

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me (1 John 2.23)

And nothing will ever separate you from my love again (Romans 8.38-39)

Come home and I’ll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen (Luke 15.7)

I have always been Father, and will always be Father (Ephesians 3.14-15)

My question is “Will you be my child?” (John 1.12-13)

I am waiting for you (Luke 15.11-32)

Fit Throwing at its Finest

This morning I had a fit. A wall-eyed, screaming MiMi, all-out tizzy fit. The ugliest kind you can imagine. Raised voice. Words that need to be beeped out. Irrational behavior. I might’ve even stomped my foot. Actually I’m pretty sure I stomped my foot. More than once. I don’t even know what triggered it. I have surmised either I have the absolute worst case of PMS ever recorded in the history of womanhood or I’m going crazy. If you think of all the crazy women in the world you’ve ever heard of and bundle them up in one person, that is who I’m becoming. It’s a bit unsettling.

On my car ride into work, knuckles white from gripping the steering wheel, tears pouring out of my freshly mascaraed eyes, I told God how mad I was. It was pretty much a one-sided conversation consisting of “I’M MAD! I’M MAD! I’M MAD!” How grateful I am that God forgives. He forgives even my anger toward HIM. His shoulders are big enough to handle me being upset with Him. I’ve apologized to both him and my unsuspecting husband who totally took the brunt of pent-up emotion. I gathered myself together and went to work.

I finished my work day without murdering any small children, which might be considered a miracle considering the morning I had. On the way out, I received a text from my husband informing me supper was on the bar, and I headed home. Headed home in the same car, on the same road, just a few hours later from the cry fest I had with my Lord. I never turn on my radio. There was a time in my past when I felt like music was life. If I was stranded on a deserted island and could have one electrical device, it would’ve been a radio. But now as I’m older, I very rarely listen to music or the radio. I have too much to think about instead. Today for some reason (read GOD here) I turned on the radio. Unbeknownst to me, it was programmed to a Christian station and the most beautiful song was playing. I’m including it here in case you want to have a listen. I hope you do.

The lyrics are beautiful and were exactly what I needed to hear. God knows. He always knows what we need.

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

And then, as if that wasn’t enough, I received a graduation announcement for a beautiful girl, a former 3rd grader of mine, and printed in it was this scripture, “God is within her; she will not fall; God will help her at the break of day.” Psalm 46:5

And that too was just what I needed to be reminded of.

And then, as if that wasn’t enough, supper was indeed on the bar.

My sweet husband does understand comfort food. A little Taco Villa, something a little sweet, and something a little salty. This is the food that brings me comfort; except for the Milano’s and other soft cookies, I think those are for him. I deserve rat poison, but instead I received love.

I find it unexplainably refreshing to know that even on days, weeks, months, when I act like a horse’s ass, my God is always good and my husband still loves me.

Now that’s something to sink my teeth into.

In Your Name, we ask these things

This post may not apply to you tonight. But it’s heavy on my heart.

Tomorrow many children all across my town, and my state, will be taking their state assessments. And although I don’t have children of my own, I have gobs that have passed through my classroom doors in the past. I also have one very special student on my mind tonight, my niece Ashy.

Even though it’s “just” a test, for many it causes stress and worry. The students have been working hard all year preparing and the tests are often long and laborious, taking several hours to complete.

Ashy and I have been spending the last several days tutoring for the math test. Tomorrow is the big day. I called her a little while back to wish her luck, and to tell her I’ll be praying for her throughout the day tomorrow.

I do believe my anxiety is greater than hers.
I believe in prayer. I believe it holds great power. Jesus himself intercedes for us to the Father. I believe in praying scriptures. Jesus himself quoted scripture when tempted by Satan.

I compiled a few scriptures that I will lift up on behalf of my niece tomorrow while she is figuring circumference, finding common denominators, and choosing which expression can be used to solve the problems. Perhaps it may be helpful for others as well.

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Scriptures for peace: 1 Corinthians 14:33a For God is not the author of confusion but of peace.

Isaiah 50:7 For the Lord God will help me, therefore shall I not be confounded.

Dear Lord, grant her peace of mind. Clear any confusion she may have during the test. Make her mind free of hinderances. Keep her focus where it needs to be and free the room from distractions that may interfere with her thinking.

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For confidence: Romans 8:37 In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.

Father God, in you, help Ashy to be more than a conqueror.

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For Anxiety: Philippians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Dear God, take away any anxiety or fear she may have while taking the test. Lord, give her peace from You in her heart and her mind.

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For Stamina: Matthew 11:28 Come to me all those who labor and are heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.

Dear Lord, when Ashy gets tired, grant her rest and renew her so that she may finish strong.

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For Success: Phillipians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

Dear Jesus, strengthen Ashy. Grant her success with her tests. Remind her, Lord, that she can do all things through You.

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For myself: Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Thank you Lord for your word and that You hear us when we pray.

Amen.

Good Friday? Yes, yes it was.

1: day off

14: chickens that run to meet me

12: Blue Spruce’s to plant in honor of Earth Day

50: pages read in a book

35: minutes spent napping

15: dollars spent on barbecue take-out

4: laps taken around a pasture on a bicycle

5: big spoonfuls of Blue Bell’s Great Divide Ice Cream

7: houseplants watered

1: set of sheets laundered and fresh on the bed waiting

13: pictures finally hung on the walls

2: days until Easter

Eternity: to spend with a Savior who died for me.

S.O.A.P. #3

Today I’ve been convicted. Not of a crime, but of a wrong.

Yesterday I blogged about the joy I felt when finding my dad’s writings in my storage building. The anxiousness and excitement I felt to read them.

It was a treasure, how someone who had passed on could still speak to me. And then God was like, “Hello, Mcfly!” tap*tap*tap on my head (Back to the future reference in case you’re wondering.) “Anybody in there?”

And he continued to speak to me and show me that He too is my Father who is not physically with me but has left me his words and his writings. Why am I not as anxious and excited about His book and words? Why do I not immediately sit and pore over them like I did my dad’s journal.

In the same way I entered a dark storage building and it was flooded with light, so our dark lives can also be illuminated by the Words of God.

“Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.” Psalm 119: 105

I must confess that since my dad died, I have not been spending time reading my Bible. And I must. I must make a priority of it.

Dear Father, Thank you for loving me despite my shortcomings. Thank you for my dad, his life, and his writings. Help me to find your words riveting and captivating. Show me understanding and discernment while I read your Word. Forgive me for not making time for you. In Jesus name.

De-Stressing

Stress. We all have it. It attacks us at different times and for different reasons.
I’ve been feeling a tad bit overwhelmed lately. When I stop to think about my life, I realize that in the last 3 weeks I have buried my dad and have (am presently) moving to a new house, while not selling my other one. Two semi-large stressors added to my life. Then, if you add in the new baby chickens, that’s like additional family members right there, ain’t it? I’d say they rank right up there with birthing a new baby, wouldn’t you? I mean they have their own nursery for crying out loud. I check on them constantly, make sure they’re breathing, and listen to their peeps through the baby monitor.

Kidding, kidding.

About the last part anyway.

Instead of packing, cleaning, unpacking my belongings, organizing for a garage sale, and doing things to help RELIEVE my stressors, instead I google stress just to see if I’m really stressed. You know sometimes I need to confirm my thinking. If I think I’m stressed, well by golly, I need to prove it to everyone else.

There’s a little test you can take online. It’s a simple inventory where you check off a few things that have happened in the past 24 months. So I clicked away, and discovered that actually I’m not as stressed as I think I am. So I must tell myself to Get. Over. It. and Get. On. With. It.

In my google searching, I found a little article however that talked of the small things that actually stress us out more than we realize, and sometimes more than the big stuff. Things like co-workers and facebook. Can you believe facebook can be stressful? Why yes, yes I can. It is the absolute zapper of time, leaving us feeling more stressed because we don’t have time to do what we should’ve been doing while we were busy stalking and poking others. This article also says it can play a big part on your emotions, leaving you feeling inadequate when you read that someone just met Their Mr. Perfect, while you’re still waiting by the phone.

So what do I do when I’m feeling overwhelmed, overcome, and overextended?

I hit the road walking. I unplug myself from the busy world via technology and head out. Now that we’ve moved outside the city limits, I have nothing but wide open spaces and a long country road to walk. No cars and no dogs. Just the singing of the birds and the blowing of an occasional train whistle falls on my ears.

I walk and I pray. Out loud. I thank God for everything. I start counting blessings. Being out in nature just makes me feel so blessed and thankful. Lately I’ve been feeling so close to God the Creator. I’m in awe of Him.

Look at this picture of brown dirt road, meeting green hay field, meeting blue sky.

This view speaks to me.

It says, “Hello, I’m God.” And I speak back and simply say, “Thanks.”

While walking and talking with Him, He grants me peace and lets me know it’s okay. Everything is okay. It’s as if He says, “Angel, look around you. Look at all this. I did it. Nothing is too big for me. See the size of this Texas sky?”

Let me give you a link to this beautiful song.

It’s saying what I’m trying to.

4th Horseman

In Revelation 6, it says”

¹ I watched as the Lamb opened the first of the seven seals. Then I heard one of the four living creatures say in a voice like thunder, “Come!” ² I looked, and there before me was a white horse! Its rider held a bow, and he was given a crown, and he rode out as a conqueror bent on conquest.

³ When the Lamb opened the second seal, I heard the second living creature say, “Come!” ⁴ Then another horse came out, a fiery red one. Its rider was given power to take peace from the earth and to make people kill each other. To him was given a large sword.

⁵ When the Lamb opened the third seal, I heard the third living creature say, “Come!” I looked, and there before me was a black horse! Its rider was holding a pair of scales in his hand. ⁶ Then I heard what sounded like a voice among the four living creatures, saying, “Two pounds^[a] of wheat for a day’s wages,^[b] and six pounds^[c] of barley for a day’s wages,^[d] and do not damage the oil and the wine!”

⁷ When the Lamb opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth living creature say, “Come!” ⁸ I looked, and there before me was a pale horse! Its rider was named Death, and Hades was following close behind him. They were given power over a fourth of the earth to kill by sword, famine and plague, and by the wild beasts of the earth.

Revelation is confusing and bizarre. There are aspects of it I simply don’t understand. Maybe it’s to be taken figuratively and not literally. I don’t know.

Perhaps you’ve seen the following video, but it was only brought to my attention earlier. You must watch it to the end.

Some people are claiming the rider on the pale horse is a reflection of something, somehow.

Me? I don’t know. Throughout history mankind has attempted to explain God’s acts away scientifically.

What I do know, is that the Bible is the word of God, and the end of the world is coming one day. In the end, the good will win and the bad will lose, and we must be ready. Are you?

Revelation 21:

¹² “Look, I am coming soon! My reward is with me, and I will give to each person according to what they have done. ¹³ I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End.

¹⁴ “Blessed are those who wash their robes, that they may have the right to the tree of life and may go through the gates into the city. ¹⁵ Outside are the dogs, those who practice magic arts, the sexually immoral, the murderers, the idolaters and everyone who loves and practices falsehood.

¹⁶ “I, Jesus, have sent my angel to give you^[a] this testimony for the churches. I am the Root and the Offspring of David, and the bright Morning Star.”

¹⁷ The Spirit and the bride say, “Come!” And let the one who hears say, “Come!” Let the one who is thirsty come; and let the one who wishes take the free gift of the water of life.

¹⁸ I warn everyone who hears the words of the prophecy of this scroll: If anyone adds anything to them, God will add to that person the plagues described in this scroll. ¹⁹ And if anyone takes words away from this scroll of prophecy, God will take away from that person any share in the tree of life and in the Holy City, which are described in this scroll.

²⁰ He who testifies to these things says, “Yes, I am coming soon.”

Amen. Come, Lord Jesus.

²¹ The grace of the Lord Jesus be with God’s people. Amen.

Pruning

A few days back when the sun was shining and all was right with the world, I decided to sit my plants outside. I only have 4, but they’ve been lighting up my world for several years now. I placed them in the sun, gave them a big drink of water from the hose, and allowed them some fresh air. Then I went in the house.

Three days later, after 3 nights of freezing temperatures, I remembered them. No longer green, they’d taken on a color of ash, and sat wilted and lifeless in the backyard. I was so upset with myself. One of those stupid, forgetful acts that I find myself doing more and more often.

I managed to kill them all. But with a closer examination, I noticed a touch of green life remaining in each of them. A shimmer of hope in the base of a leaf. Could they be revived? I reached for my scissors and began cutting out all the dead with a faint hopefulness in my task. My friend Pam (who my dad called Mrs. Demonic, not meaning anything bad, simply because it rhymed with her last name) told me it’s very scriptural to prune the dead.

John Chapter 15, verse 1: words of Jesus: I am the true grapevine and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch of mine that doesn’t produce fruit, and he prunes the branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more. You have already been pruned and purified by the message I have given you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me. Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit.

So taking this literally, I hope my plants survive the brutal cold they endured. Spiritually translated, I hope the pruning of which I am presently experiencing may allow me to produce much fruit.

Fruit of the spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.

And I wish the same for you. May the pruning of today, produce fruit for tomorrow.

Ashy loves this song. Can you believe I have it on my iPod?

Somebody help.

Overcoming

Sometimes I get tired.

Physically tired.

Emotionally tired.

Spiritually tired.

I don’t like myself like this.

Days like today, when all I want to do is vomit hate, bitterness, rage, and tears all over my keyboard, I must restrain. I must filter.

My stable self says, Read your Bible, Count your Blessings, Breathe Deeply.

My irrational self says, Eat chocolate, Yell at the dog, Screw the world.

I must focus in order to let my stable self prevail.

Tonight I thought it might help if I found my gratitude journal. Oprah. I can’t stand her, but I learned about a gratitude journal when I used to watch her. Each day write down 5 things you are grateful for. I haven’t written in my journal in years, but I knew where to find it.

I rummaged through my closet looking for my gratitude journal and found my prayer box instead.

It contains prayers I wrote down from the year 1998.

I can’t share all of them because some reveal a very pathetic, desperate side of me and are much too personal.

This one is for my sister prayed on 7-2-98 “Dear Lord–please reward Jolea and John with a precious, beautiful, healthy child—-all in your time.

Two years later she was blessed with a daughter, and then two years after that, another. All in His time.

This one is asking for help in learning to say I’m sorry. It’s a work in progress. Pride is an ugly thing.

As I unfolded these papers one by one, I found prayers for marriages that were never restored.

Prayers for people whom I don’t even know or remember, but at the time, I believe they were on my heart for a reason.

There are prayers of loneliness, prayers for salvation, prayers of relationships, prayers for forgiveness, prayers for healing.

Some have been answered.

Some weren’t.

Some I’ll never know.

Some I’m still praying.

Like this one:

“That God will use me as a witness for Him”

As I look back on these prayers, I experience God’s sovereignty. His faithfulness. His forgiveness and love.

I am encouraged, my burdens are lifted, my heart is lighter. I even added two new ones tonight.

It’s funny. My mom always taught me never to put anything in writing.

Obviously, I didn’t listen.

I never found my gratitude journal in my closet. It doesn’t matter.

1. Thank you for my health.

2. Thank you for my husband and family

3. Thank you for my job.

4. Thank you for my salvation.

5. Thank you for always knowing best.

6. Thank you.

7. Thank you.

8. Thank you.

9. Thank you.

10. Thank you.