Tag Archives: mommyhood

Under the weather

It’s September 15th, or is it the 14th?  Regardless of the number on the calendar, it is my favorite time of year.  It’s a dreary, overcast day and my thoughts bounce around randomly, like an annoying fly trying to find a place to light, but never satisfied for long.

I’m feeling a tad under the weather, which seems fitting with the forecast.  I want to curl up in bed with a book and hide all day.  I would too, if I didn’t have a 7 month old competing for my attention.  She’s a bit under the weather too, and just wants to be held, but doesn’t want to sit still once I pick her up.  She’s obsessed with reaching and grabbing everything from the side table, attempting to climb on top of my head, or rubbing her face frantically in my chest, smearing snot all over my fourteen dollar sweatshirt.  Desperate for a reprieve to blow my nose,  I did the bad mom thing.  I turned on the TV.

As most of you probably know, we don’t have TV.  I can see you scratching your head now.  How can I turn it on, if we don’t have it you ask?  Well, we have an actual TV, but we have no cable, or satellite, or even rabbit ears.  We do own a DVD though, so I dug through stacks of exercise tapes, sneezing and coughing as the piles of dust billowed, and discovered a cartoon belonging to my niece.  Kung Fu Panda.

Since EK only gets TV time when we’re visiting someones house or when she’s watching Blazing Saddles with her dad, which is so appropriate I might add, I thought this was a win-win situation.

I imagined her in a TV daze while I vegged out in an antihistamine induced state of mind on the couch.

Turns out, she doesn’t care too much for pandas.  Or Kung Fu.  A matter of fact, I think I heard her say, “Pandas?  We don’t need no stinking pandas.”

I’m left with no other option but to sit here with EK on my head, watching a cartoon mouse with a Fu Man Chu do jujitsu, using the sleeve of my sweatshirt to wipe my nose.  Good thing it only cost fourteen dollars.

 

 

The toughest job

When I was a teacher, just a few short months ago, I used to believe teaching was the hardest profession there was.  In fact, I’ve been known to tell people that very thing.

Now that I’m a stay-at-home-mom, I have changed my opinion and believe mommy hood is the hardest job there is.

More than likely if I was an artist, I’d think that was the hardest profession to be had.

The toughest job, I’ve discovered, is the one I’m presently working.

Suzanne gave me a devotional book for moms.  “A Time-Out for Busy Moms”.   I’m not sure if that really exists.  The book was in good condition when I first received it, but now the edges are ruffled and torn, tiny bite marks have dried the corners.  When I sit down to read it, EK is usually in her  favorite spot, my lap, and she would rather chew on it than let me read it.

She is a blessing and a challenge.  The simplest things are no longer simple.  Showers, toilet breaks, eating.  She has no regard for my basic needs.  She is an infant.  A selfish, needy, narcissistic little baby, just like every other baby that was ever invented.  She is at my feet when I fix a cup of coffee or when I wash the dishes.  If I walk away, she scuttles after me dragging her leg like a little hermit crab calling “mama, mama, mama”.  When she’s not at my feet or on my lap or in my arms, I must watch her like a hawk.  She’s exploring and discovering and learning things the hard way, like how a mousetrap feels on her little fingers.  All this, and we’re not even in the difficult age yet.  Give her enough time and she will be putting Cheerios in the toilet and displaying her artwork with permanent markers and nail polish on the dining room table.

To date, the biggest mess she’s managed is unloading about 15 wipies one by one, only after tasting each one first.

 

And yes, I took a picture.

I know other moms have this thing figured out.  They are doing a better job of it I know.  Their babies sleep through the night.  In their own beds to boot.  They eat their veggies and take a bottle so their mamas can leave them for more than three hours at a time.

I ain’t gonna lie, it’s a tough gig, and I’m doing the best I can.

Today she fell asleep in my lap and I was able to pick up my mommy devotional book.  We rocked while I read and it was one of the most peaceful and gratifying moments I could experience.  As I gazed down at her sleeping face, the corners of her mouth turned upwards and a small smile spread across her mouth. I imagined the angels were whispering in her ear.  I couldn’t help but smile too.

In the big scheme of things, this baby stage is such a short time in the span of her years.  Instead of wishing this and wishing that, I need to learn to appreciate every nuance and detail.   Before you know it we’ll be driving her to college.

I’m sure when I leave her in the dorm room, she won’t be the one crying then.

6 months

Precious, darling Emma Kate,

Look at you grow, girl!  Mama doesn’t even know where to begin telling you about your very busy month. I have so much to say, so I guess instead of starting at the beginning, I’ll just start at the top.

Your hair. It has lightened up some, still brown,  and is thick on top and grows in a point like Dracula (just like my dream)but not a scary, blood thirsty Dracula, but rather a beautiful, bright-eyed smooch able baby girl Dracula.

Your teeth.  Yep, they’re there. Two shiny white pearls on bottom.  Finally.   You’ve been a dream teether, you haven’t fussed one bit, but we could feel these little suckers when you were four months old and have been waiting patiently.

With those new toofies you’ve tried some real food.

In your most humble opinion:

Rice cereal= bleck!

Peas= double bleck!

Strawberries= sour bleck! (unlike my dream)

The foods that have received an Emma stamp of approval are peaches, pears, avocado, and squash.  We’re trying to keep you away from sugar and junk food, but we did offer you a taste of frozen yogurt, but the cold surprised you so, I’m not sure which list it belongs on.

Your mouth.  It’s so sweet, and you have the best smiles to give. You are not much of a laugher, but full of grins.   You can make ma-ma, da-da, bye-bye sounds! And holy cow you are loud!  We tease you that you got that from your grandy.

Your butt.   You are sitting alone for really long periods of time, when just a couple weeks ago you were a weeble wobble on a round butt.   Now you’re an old pro.

Your Legs. They are fat!  But those thunder thighs aren’t slowing you down. You are moving and scooting! You use your elbows and one leg to pull and drag yourself around. But that left leg is like a dead man’s, just dragging around behind you.While I’ve  been typing, you have gone to the kitchen, gotten into the potatoes and onions, drug yourself  around to the fridge, then back to the potatoes.  Lazy is NOT your middle name.  You are simply amazing and are taking the world by storm.

Cankles? Yep, you got them.

Your toes.  Oh my goodness, I love to get those piggies because they taste so sweet.

That’s you from top to toes, baby girl.  You are our delight. It has been so much fun loving you the last six months. Gosh, you’ll never know how adored you are. I mean that. Completely, Totally, Altogether, Absolutely ADORED and LOVED from top to bottom.

You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, my dear one.  I love you!!

XOXO,

Mama

 

 

She Battles

Each day, right after her cup of coffee, she laces up her tennie runners as her dad used to call them, straps the baby in the stroller and begins her walk down a lonely dirt, country road.  Slow at first, building steam, gearing up.  Just barely after she starts, her mind tells her to quit.  Gives her the talk.  Lists the excuses. But she has no excuses.  Time is no excuse.  Ability is no excuse.  Rain or snow is no excuse.  So she perseveres.  Each day she goes a little farther.  Pushes herself a little harder.  Forces herself to make it just past the cotton field with the new plants pushing through, then a little farther to the windmill.  Finally to the red barn where she can turn around.

Most days she prays.  She prays for her loved ones, she thanks God for her family, her health, her many blessings.  She thinks, she sings, she talks to her baby who bounces along with her Clifford pacifier in her mouth, the breeze blowing her little crop of hair.

She’s in the midst of a battle.  An all out war against the baby weight.  A daily struggle.  She remembers her former self.   The younger her, before marriage and pregnancy transformed her into a jiggly blob.  She curses her body.  Its slowness, its sluggish metabolism, its saggy skin and weakness.  But with the next thought, she recognizes its magnificence.  Its ability to create life, to bring it forth, to nourish and sustain it.

She makes herself run now.  From telephone pole to telephone pole she runs.  The next telephone pole cheers her on.  Encourages her, reminds her that the next one is not too far off.  Until her mind once again tells her to quit, catch her breath.

She walks now.  Pushing her sleeping baby. Gasping for air.  She passes the stench of death.  Something lying in the bar ditch beneath the tall weeds.  She turns her head as the smell of rot burns into her nose.  She imagines it a mouse, a bird, a skunk.  Surely the worst is over.  “Decay faster you S.O.B.,” she mutters aloud.

Her body glistens with perspiration.  Her face is the color of beets.  Her shoulders tanned in the sun, the right one a shade darker than the left.  She turns into her drive, slowing to a snail’s pace.  At the front door, she lifts her dozing baby from the stroller and places her heavy head against her sweaty neck.  The air conditioning is a wonderful respite from the early morning heat.  Her eyes adjust to the darkness of the nursery as she places her in the crib to dream the sweet dreams of babies.

Her next battle is laundry.

 

 

 

 

 

5 months

My sweet and precious Emma Kate,

Today you are 5 months old.  I’ve known this day was coming, but it just doesn’t seem possible.

I look at you and I can’t believe it.  That sweet tiny baby has morphed into a bundle of fun, with a  big grin and a bit of a mischievous nature I believe.  Your daddy keeps saying you’re turning into a little person.  A little person full of personality and curiosity.

We enjoy every minute of you.  Even the 3 a.m. ones.  Even the  “somebody better do something to fix my problem” crying ones.  Even the “I think I’ll go to the bathroom since you already have my diaper off” ones.

Your good moments completely outweigh the tougher times.  You play with your toys for a really long time.  Sometimes you get frustrated when you can’t reach your favorite toy, but you don’t give up easily.  You have a determined spirit about you, which I think is a good quality.  Later, we’ll likely call it stubbornness, which you’ll come by honestly since both your daddy and I possess it as well.

I quit my job so I can be a stay at home mom with you.  I don’t think we’ve been separated since the end of May.  We spend our days playing, singing, reading, eating, sleeping, and having some outside time which is your favorite.  Some days we go to town to visit or run errands, but not too much, because mama is a homebody.

You love feet, and it doesn’t really matter whose they are.  You learned how to get your piggies into your mouth this month and boy how good they must taste!  Really, it’s quite an accomplishment considering those fat rolls on your thighs.  My goodness, you’re cute!  You’re absolutely perfect.  At your last check up (when you had to get those mean shots) you weighed in at 14 pounds 10 ounces, 24 3/4 inches long, and your head was 16 inches.

You’ve got some pretty big brains in there, I think.  You’re smart Emma Kate.  There are things you do, that others may think are a fluke or accidental, but mama doesn’t think so.  I swear you know how to play peek a boo.  You pull a burp cloth or a small blanket up over your face and wait for us to say “Where’s Emma?” and then you pull it down to see us.  You do this again and again.  You give mama kisses on the cheek with that wide open mouth and you go in for Eskimo kisses with your Grandy.  You know that when you press down on that little green button the wipes will open up and you can try to eat them.

Bath time is a blast.  You’ve outgrown those little baby baths so you are a big girl in the tub these days.  And boy do you make a splash, literally.  You kick those feet like mad and splash water until it hits you in the face and slows you down a bit.

Sleeping is getting better.  This month, I’ve tried out a new method I read about on the internet called the E.A.S.Y method.  You eat, then you have activity time, and then when I notice you are getting drowsy, I’ll hold you with your binky for just a little while till your eyes are heavy, then I put you in your bed and you go right to sleep.  Usually.  You like to put a little blanket over your head.  I gave you a soft blanket to hold onto, and when I went back to check on you, you were sound asleep with it over your face.  Now, that’s just what you do.  Going to sleep works just fine, it’s just staying asleep that you don’t care for.  But you’re getting better.

You were dedicated to the Lord on June 3rd at Briarwood Church and received your very first little pink Bible and a certificate.  All the congregation reached out their hands to you as the pastor prayed God’s protection and guidance over your life.  He also made me tell the story of how a man in the church told me you were coming years ago, but I thought he was crazy.  

We had your pictures made this month with all your cousins on my side of the family.  Your aunt Jolea and your cousins Hannah and Zoie came to visit.  It was the first time H & Z had ever seen you, so we gathered up your cousins Harley and Maxx as well and went to daddy’s work to have pictures made.  They’re going to make Grandy a nice birthday present in a few days.

We also had your pictures made by yourself.

The doctor said we can start you on some rice cereal if we want, and start trying some other foods.  So mommy jumped the gun and gave you a taste of avocado instead!  You liked that for  a little bit, but not for long.  I’ve also given you tastes of strawberry, cantaloupe, and asparagus!  Mostly you shuddered and got this awful look on your face.  So we’re still waiting on the whole eating thing.

I hope I’m capturing everything I can about your little life honey.  You are our little joy. Your daddy and I want to do the best we can for you.  There will be times that we fail miserably I know.  We’re going to have bad times along with the good on this ride.  I want you to have  good memories of your childhood with us.  I want you to always know you’re loved deeply by us, grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, friends, and mostly by Jesus.  It’s incomprehensible that He loves you more than I do, but He does.  My love for you pales in comparison.

I’m so happy to have you, baby of mine.

XOXO,

Mommy

Day 1: Reporting In

I consider today my first day on the job as an official SAHM.

I was tired by 9:30.

Last week was actually the first week of summer vacation, but my sister and her two rug rats drove down from New Mexico and spent the week with us.  So, of course, the house didn’t get cleaned, boxes from my classroom didn’t get put away, and EK was not on a schedule (as if she’s ever been).  J-Dub also had some family drive in for the weekend, so I can assure you EK was extremely neglected with all the company.  But now the aunts and cousins have all returned to their normal routines, and the baby and I are trying to find our normal routine, if one even exists.

This is my favorite picture as of now.

Tomorrow I’m sure I’ll have another.

I love this picture because that is the image of the baby of my dreams.  A calm, quite, studious daughter who can be found with her nose in a book.

My mom bought EK these 12 little Disney board books. We began reading and EK took the book and put it in a perfect hold.  I had to take a quick snap with the camera, as it didn’t last long.

For the past 4 months, we’ve wondered what kind of a kid EK is going to be.  What kind of an adult?  What kind of a an overall human being.  As much as I’d love to snuggle up in bed on Saturday and read books together, I’m beginning to get the feeling she isn’t going to want to be still for very long.

I know you have all said she has been alert since the day she was born, and it’s true.  Even now, she won’t hardly sleep because she’s afraid she’s going to miss something.  Nursing is beginning to present yet another challenge as she pops her head up and looks around at the slightest sound.  Even snapping her picture while she naps awakens her.

She kicks her little legs  fiercely and pedals a million miles a day on her imaginary bicycle.

She’s a little roly poly now too as she’s learned how to roll across the room.  I lay her on her blanket, leave the room for 1 minute (I swear) and she’s across the room chewing on the vacuum cleaner cord.

I’ve spent my first day as a SAHM trying to clean the floors since she’s on the move.  Because you see, I have this shedding problem.  It’s my hair.  It comes out in GOBS.  It’s probably an undiagnosed medical condition of some sort, and it is totally gross when you pick up your baby and have to grab long brown hair out of her wet little fists and off her wet little chin.  I know…..Grody, Gross, Gross.

On the bright side, I’m looking forward to the weight loss when I’m chasing her around the house.
A girl can dream anyway, can’t she?

On the go or sleeping, she’s a dollbaby.  That’s all there is to it.  Her personality is beginning to emerge and even if she isn’t that calm, quiet, studious child; she’s mine.

And I couldn’t be happier.

4 months

Dearest Emma Kate,

Happy 4 month birthday baby!!

Oh my gosh, you are so fun!  Here lately, it seems like everyday you are learning new things.

You started out this month rolling over for Janelle, your babysitter.  You did it three times in a row, from your belly (which you have learned to accept a bit more) to your back.  She got it on video which is a good thing, since no one else has ever seen you do it.  It was as if you decided you accomplished that, so you were moving on to bigger and better things.  Which of course is spitting.

You discovered you can stick your tongue out of your mouth, and that if you blow out while your tongue is out, you can produce lots and lots of spit bubbles.

Also, it’s been decided by your Grandy and a few others that you are teething, and yes, in fact there is a sharp little tooth on bottom that we can feel.  And then it goes away.  And then it comes back.  Then it goes away.  It can’t quite decide what it wants to do.  It hasn’t bothered you too badly, you mostly are just chewing away on anything you can get in your mouth and slobbering a bunch.  Grandy wants me to write it in the baby book, but I think I’ll wait until I can actually see it.

 

Just 2 days ago, you rolled from your back to your belly.  It’s your new favorite thing to do.  Quite frankly, you are wearing your mama out with it because you don’t remember how to roll from your belly to your back.  So, you get on your belly, act mighty proud of yourself, think it’s fun for about 1 minute, then you start to fuss when you can’t figure out how to get out of that predicament.  So I put you back on your back, just so you can roll over, act proud, then fuss some more.  Back when I was a little girl, there was a “Say no to drugs” ad campaign.  I remember a commercial on TV of a man walking around the perimeter of an empty white room.  He would say, “I work, so I can make money, so I can buy cocaine, so I can work, so I can make money, so I can buy cocaine, so I can work…….”  Here’s my version of your commercial.  “Mama lays me on my back, so I can roll on my belly, so I can cry, so Mama lays me on my back, so I can roll on my belly, so I can cry……”  Yep, Emma Kate, that’s how we spend our days until I say “ENOUGH!” and put you in your swing for awhile.

You’ve had such a busy month.  You took your first outing with dad to check cows, and you went to your first ranch rodeo with dad and stayed out until 1:00 in the morning!!!  I’m sure those cowboys just couldn’t get enough of you! You also attended your first birthday party.

You have learned how to laugh and it is music to our ears.

Just today you discovered our cowdog Grace.  You’ve met her before, but hadn’t really noticed her until now.  She’s kind of a crydoggy when she gets all excited when humans are around.  Oh boy, you thought her crying was hysterical.  You were laughing up a storm at that silly doggy.  So of course we encourage it.  You love outdoors and animals, and I have a feeling your going to be a mover and a shaker.  Only time will tell as your personality peeks out more and more.

Emmer, (that’s what your daddy has taken to calling you, which is pretty neat since your Great Grandpa called your Great Grandma Imogene that as well), you are the light of our life,

the twinkle in our eye,

the jump in our jack,

the blue in our sky.

Today your daddy said you are probably the most loved child in the world.  There might come a day that you don’t feel loved at all, because we all experience those feelings from time to time.  Please know our love for you is big.  So big.  Huge big.  Bigger than Hog Eyes and Sauerkraut Mississippi.  That’s a game me and your grandpa used to play.  I can’t wait to teach it to you.

I look forward to this next month Emma, because in just 3 days, school will end and more time with you will begin.

XOXO,

Mama

Mother’s Day #1

I got a new camera lens for Mother’s Day along with a salad spinner ( my request) and a bouquet of flowers.

I spent the car trip home from Lubbock playing with my new lens, capturing images of J-Dub driving, EK sleeping, Ashy posing, and maybe an accidental shot of the dials on the dashboard.

Afterwards I reviewed the pictures on my camera and found myself scrolling back. Farther and farther back, on this first Mother’s Day, back through the weeks and months. All the way back to January 28th at 4:20 when the doctor tugged a crying baby from my bulging abdomen after a very long and difficult labor that ended with a C-section.

Then my precious, post term, 7 lb baby was whisked to the NICU where the premature, sick babies go.  The place where I was told when I could touch my baby, that I couldn’t nurse my baby, and where I felt completely helpless.

My heart is so tender remembering that day. I feel anger and I feel sadness all rolled together in a snowball of grief.

As I scroll back through the photos, I’m so thankful to remember.
To remember how tiny she was, how different her hair laid, how red the little mark on her nose appeared, how wrinkled her skinny little fingers were.

Oh my goodness how I love her.

How I miss her tiny newborn self.

How fortunate I am to have her.

Although I can’t take all the credit, being her mom is the best thing I’ve ever done, the greatest gift I’ve ever been given, the most important job I’ll ever have.

To all the mothers out there…….I finally get it.

And it’s incredible.

3 months

My Dearest, Darling Emma Kate,

You’re growing up much too quickly.  You’re no longer a tiny little baby but a whooping 12 pound 6 ounce three-month old.

I’ve had to put away your little newborn sized clothes, and it nearly broke my heart.  I can’t believe how tiny you used to be.   You’ve almost outgrown some of your 0-3 months already!  Slow down!

You are holding your head up mighty fine these days and you like sitting up big and tall and looking around the world.  You are tolerating your tummy time much better and will last about 3 minutes instead of 20 seconds before starting to complain.

You are reaching and grabbing now.  You hold onto my shirt while nursing, you hold on to your clothes if you can get them.  You try to help put your pacifier in your mouth, which I think you are becoming much too fond of, by the way!  You’ve started grabbing fistfuls of my hair and I have to pry your little hand loose. I’m careful not to wear dangly earrings around you for fear of the pain you may cause when you grab ahold  and yank.

You love the book “Pete the Cat. I Love My White Shoes”.

 

It makes you grin big, as do many other things.  You are quite the smiler these days and your smiles melt our hearts.  Especially when you give that bashful one where you close your eyes and duck your head.  So cute!!!

You are drooling like crazy and sucking on your fingers and fists so much you’ve sucked little red places on your knuckles.

This has been a big month for you.  I had to go back to work when you were almost 11 weeks old and you began staying with a babysitter every day.  You’ve tolerated that so well.   I think of you all day long while I’m working and can’t wait until 4:00 to get my hands on you again.  I’m looking so forward to when school’s out so we can be together all day again.

You are my everything, little one.  Words cannot describe the love I feel for you.  Always know this.  Always know how much you are loved, no matter what.

XOXO,

Mommy